Incest - Profile Of Offenders
single parent gender family history development sexual abuse women perpetrators
Efforts to conceptualize incest before 1980 led to it being categorized as a subcategory of pedophilia (Stoller 1975). Since then, the trend is to describe incest in terms of interaction factors in the family context (Bentovim 1992; Trepper and Barrett 1986). Some researchers believe that incest does not have a single cause; rather it develops from a combination of influences (Finkelhor 1986; Friedrich 1990; Maddock and Larson 1995; Trepper and Barrett 1989). Incest is a complex and varied family dynamic, although at the same time some patterns of sexual abuse may be predictable and reflective of general disturbances in family patterns of interactions (Maddock and Larson 1995). Some of the systemic factors that influence whether or not incest will occur in a family include intrapsychic influences, relational variables, developmental variables, and situational or circumstantial that make incest more or less likely to occur.
Researchers agree that perpetrators of incest are more likely to be males than females, although plenty of evidence has emerged since the 1980s that shows that some mothers do sexually abuse their children. Fewer female offenders are willing to admit to committing incest (Allen 1991), and society may consider women to be sexually harmless. But it is important to recognize the increased opportunity that women have to perpetrate incest as primary caretakers of children ( Jennings 1993). Women in all societies are given a great deal of responsibility of raising children, and with that comes control over their dependents. They are more often in charge of many intimate activities surrounding the care of the child, including things such as breastfeeding, putting to bed, and bathing. Some cultures where mother-son closeness is the norm may have more occurrences of incest. For example, some Japanese mothers initiate sexual acts with their sons after witnessing their sons masturbate for the first time in order to teach him about sex (Katahara 1989). One very small Australian study of a clinical sample of male incest survivors found a number of factors most likely to influence the occurrence of sexual abuse of young males (Harper 1993). Those include living in a single-parent family headed by a woman of low socioeconomic status where the mother suffers from a schizophrenic illness and/or abuses drugs or alcohol, and where there is a history of violent parental behavior.
Women may commit incest for different reasons than do males. Gender expectations and socializations may vary for males and for female perpetrators, but this does not mean that one form of incest is less harmful to the victim than the other. Regardless of the type of perpetrator, incest perpetrators commit incest for a variety of reasons. They often have poor skills in dealing with their emotions, demonstrate poor empathy skills, and display a marked inability to observe the behavior of others. These perpetrators are often emotionally in a developmental stage equivalent to that of the child they are assaulting.
In a study of seventy-five male and sixty-five female sexual abuse perpetrators, the men and women showed no difference in educational levels, both reported that their marriages as less stable than their parents', and both reported their need for emotional fulfillment is greater than their need for sexual fulfillment (Allen 1991). Both offenders report the least intrusive form of offending (exhibitionism, voyeurism, touching) to be more frequent than oral, vaginal, or anal intercourse. At the same time, women offenders were less likely to report committing sexual activities with children, more likely to report their own experience as victims of sexual abuse, and reported lower marital satisfaction. Women reported greater satisfaction with the relationship with their children, more sexual satisfaction with their spouses/partners, and reported having more sexual partners than the male perpetrators. Women offenders reported significantly higher need for both emotional and sexual fulfillment. Women offenders report more physical abuse by their partners and family of origin. Many more women than men sexually abuse with another (usually male) person whereas men are more likely to commit their offense alone ( Jennings 1993). Females tend to use violence less often than males during their offending (Krug 1989). Females are more likely to know their victims; the abuse is usually less frequent and shorter in duration; and female offenders usually have fewer victims ( Jennings 1993).
Men as incest perpetrators are not a homogeneous group. In a study funded by a grant from the National Center on Child Abuse and Neglect, researchers identified five distinct types of incestuous fathers: sexually preoccupied, adolescent regressive, instrumental sexual gratifiers, emotionally dependent offenders, and angry retaliators (Williams and Finkelhor 1992). This typology helps to foster better understanding of the motivations for abuse and may enable better treatment for incest perpetrators. It should be kept in mind that an offender may not fit perfectly into one type; most offenders are a combination of one or more types.
The first type, the sexually preoccupied offenders, is characterized by a sexual interest in their victim, usually from an early age. This offender usually begins molesting the child before age six and continues the molestation past puberty. The second type, the adolescent regressive offenders, has a conscious sexual interest in their victims but usually do not begin molesting until the victims approach or reach puberty. The third type of offenders, the instrumental sexual gratifiers, uses the victim as a vehicle for sexual fantasy. These offenders are more sporadic in their offending, and they often associate the action with remorse. The fourth type, the emotionally dependent, is often lonely and depressed, sex is not a primary motivator, and they often romanticize their need for closeness and intimacy. Fifth, angry retaliators demonstrate low sexual arousal toward their victims but instead use the sexual assault to focus their anger. Often, the assault on the victim is in retaliation for a real or imagined infidelity or abandonment by a spouse.
Besides there being some risk factors for becoming an incest perpetrator, the authors of one Swedish research study suggested there may be protective factors that prevent some victims from entering the victim-to-abuser cycle (Glasser et al. 2001). Those include: (1) positive self esteem; (2) the presence of other important adults in the child's life; (3) religious education stressing positive development and forgiveness rather than sin and damnation; (4) success in school, sports, or other activities; (5) personality, strengths, and social situations that promote long-term goals; (6) parental monitoring reducing the frequency of abuse; and (7) age-appropriate sexual knowledge prior to abuse.
User Comments
over 1 year ago
Lorraine, I'm so very sorry for the heartache you carry. First and foremost your children/grandchildren are your number one priority. This brother who abused when he was 13 must be held accountable for what he did. The complexity of this is in the fact that there is a family dynamic that enabled him to abuse and get away with it. Silence is what gives abusers the power and silence keeps them in the position of abuser and the victim in the role of victim. Even though he was 13 at the time, that does not erase the fact that what he did was criminal. Without professional help, it is unlikely that what he has in in heart has changed. I would not bet the safety of any child in your family on "him being only 13" at the time, would you?
As for your mum, I am sorry for the pain she feels from this reality. There is no way to spare that pain and silence will never erase what happened. However, trust that she will eventually mend. If not, suggest for her to find a support group or a counselor to help.
This is a terrible situation to be placed in and again I am sorry that you have so much to cope with. Your family and the survivor of csa needs extra care and support at this time, focus on helping them through.
over 1 year ago
Nicole
I read through everyones comment and it's just amazing how much courage everyone has. Thank you all for sharing. It gives me hope.
I am a sexual abuse survivor. But not of incest.
I do think that my father abused me when I was little. And so does my therapist. There is just too much evidence that proves it. Like, I don't ever remember sleeping in my own bed. I was petrified of the dark. I had a horrible gag reflex. I still can't swallow pills to this day (and I'm 19). I feel very disconnceted from my body. The only time I feel sexually aroused is when I look at incest porn (father daughter). I resisted the urge to have a bowel movement. I would hold it to the point where I would be sick. I had a major behavioral change when I was 11. I became suicidal and had to be hospitalized. I am terrified of anger, and the only way I know how to express mine is by self injurous behavior. I used to kiss my parents on the lips (and lingered). I had tics (throat clearing for years and eye twitching). I grabbed my private area (I did that consistently from age 4-12). I had persistent sore throats. I have a major phobia of womens underwear. If I see them, I start to gag. I have an extreme startle response. I am afraid of seeing people's wrists. And I used to constantly hide.
I'm using my middle name for privacy.
I don't know if these are signs of not and I am really confused. My dad passed away like 8 months ago.. and I'm just needing some answers. He was very verbally abusive, and I know that he sexualized me. If anyone has any suggestions, or advice... I would really appreciate them.
Thank you for reading this, and thank you to anyone who responds.
almost 2 years ago
lillou
To Noname:
My father brutally molested me from infancy until I was 7. My mother, like you, suspected--saw little hints, just had a feeling--from the time I was 2 years old. My dad told me my mom would go to jail if I told or gave any hint of the abuse, so I kept very quiet--in fact, when my mother asked me if anyone had ever made me feel funny, I said the same thing your daughter did "No, and I don't want to talk about that stuff." If she were not being abused, why would she not want to talk about it? And of course your husband, if he is molesting her, will do anything and everything in his power to persuade you you are crazy, to avoid being caught. Go with your gut. If my mother had, she could have spared me years of torture (she divorced him when my aunt, then 14, came forward with the news that he was molesting her). Incest is horrible, HORRIBLE and its effects are lifelong. Save your daughter before it is too late!
over 1 year ago
Rebecca Worley
I have a terrible feeling that my son is abusing his son, now 4 years old. He has had custody since the boy was a few months old. I noticed more of an ownership than a loving dad. Very physical when it came to bathing, he still bites his toe nails instead of clipping them. The little boy has told me that his father has done things that made me very upset. He is a young child 4 years old now and I am not sure what to do. He loves his father so much but has many tantrums where he screams that he hates his father. He calls all of us terrible names. He has nightmares nightly. He sleeps at my home because his father gets up early and cannot be disturbed all night with the boy waking up. It is a situation that needs to be addressed. I am not sure what to do and how to go about it. I have mildly mentioned it and his father gets very angry with me. It is time to help this child but his father does have custody.
8 months ago
aron
I really need some clarification on this? my neighbour came round for me i was about 7/8 he was few years older. then he took me into his garage and lay kinda on top of me i was fully clothed and he rubbed his penis on me. Then i kinda done the same thing to my sister i am 5years older than her i was about 7/8 we just rubbed the part 2gether. is that childs play or have i been the abuser. i must have blocked it away for year and in the last 2 tried to become a much better person and now that i remember these two incidents get anxiety panic attacks fear , trust issue with other people and myself all the guilt. Im not looking for any of use to say no its ok or whatever but surely if it only happened the 1 time and there was no intercourse and also happened 2 me before does that not put you in a confused state as a child. i really need someone to clarify the difference between abuse, incest or just something that happened. i feel horrible about this a i dont think i will be at peace and be able to move on
over 1 year ago
What to feel or how to act with a dimentia person who still is a dirty old man. Who I remember attacked me at 13 with no clothes on. He did not get anywhere, I screamed ,I yelled I said I would tell my mother! but telling my mother he won! he lied! The rest of our teenage lives we dealt with his lies and put up with his aggressivness. He was accused many time by my mothers friends of touching young
girls. She dismissed it! She lost friends. I have hated my mother for so long for this but I really still do love her for the good mother she has been to us. That was here big downfall. He is now an Alsheimers patient! He has very bad dimentia. He still stares at me always. I take care of them now. And at least 4 years ago he said he wanted to eat me. Made me sick to my stomack!
I coulden't even tell my mother because it would have been a very big fight and I have done that many times because I am angry at my mother not him. He is a creep and a stupid person. When I have asked him why do you think this is wrong he said No I don't think I have done anything wrong. He is a very simple and stupid person. Why did my mother pick him? She was a smart person,loving. Why did she marry someone who would do this to us and also why coulden't she have found someone better. She worked hard all her life with a good job in aerospace. We only have money because of her. She is very ill now! and so is he . All I do is take care of them. I don"t know know who to hate less! I still Love my Mother alot! She has been a great mother except for that one thing she could not admit. It screwed us up alot. How should I feel now at this age? I only feel sick to my stomack wondering I want my mom and not him, but I still feel sorry for him. He is in dimentia.We sent him to a home for 3 months while my mom was recouperating but she insisted on bringing him home. She does not want him to die in one of those places and neither do I.
It is very hard to have him home for both of us but especially for my mother because he takes alot out of her. She is not getting better like she should. Thank's for letting me vent! I know their is nothing noone can say at this point in our lives. May I say every family has their problems too and we are baby boobers now to take care of our parent no matter what. He looked like a sad puppy who I was taking to the pound when I put him in the home. I hate him, he is taking my mom from me ,yet I feel very sorry for him.
I feel sick myself to not understand. I just drink
late at night to keep sanity. Not a very good excuse! Wish I could be better!
about 2 years ago
Lucy
Although what Christina said regarding incest was informative in a clinical way, she seemed to lack empathy for the situation as described by wifeanytown. In dealing with pastoral counsel as well as clinical counselors/therapists I have personally experienced a breakdown between learning information in a book as opposed to having life experience to offer.
I do agree that a great amount of patterning is present in incest families and the only way to break that pattern may be to disconnect from the mentality that feeds future generations to continue with that viewpoint (and ultimately the behavior) but I also believe that lumping everyone into "that is a lost cause" to just walk away from it without knowing any specifics leads me to question Christina and what her credentials are exactly?
Has she ever met wifeanytown or her husband? Has she worked with the family in question? Does she know any specific detail so as to accuse a faceless person of not caring enough about her children?
I am surprised the editors of this site printed such a calloused response. It is unfortunate that people who are often the most educated have little regard for the struggles that others face.
None of us have any idea unless of course we actually walk in another person's shoes for a day. I suspect that in itself would be the well rounded education Christina is in desperate need of.
over 2 years ago
I have all the symptoms of (sex,incest abuse), but no memories. I do remeber the physical, mental and emotional abuse from my father, and have always had a feeling that my mother sexually abuse me, my brother shares my feelings. I was addicted to crystal meth for years but am now in remission. I would obsess on masterbating to incest related porn when i was using, but am disturbed by it now that I am sober. Could this be confirmation of my feelings? If anyone has any input I would appreciate it. I can't find any research regarding it. Thank you all so much for being so open, i don't feel so alone in my healing.
over 2 years ago
Posie
I was molested by my father from age 11ish to 14ish. He would sneak into my room while I was asleep and I would wake up to his fondling and pretend to be asleep and roll or cover myself. He touched a friend inappropriately, said it was an accident. He'd grab me tight in front of my mom and bend me backwards and kiss me hard on the mouth "pretending" he was joking around about romance movies. Made my mom mad and she told him to stop. Many other "incidents", all relatively minor but always a sexual component. Also, I attempted to have sex with my brother (13 months younger than me) when I was about 6 yrs old. How did I know what went where? I don't know. I confronted him about 13 yrs ago, he admitted and "repented" and things were good for many years. Now I am 39 with 4 beautiful children. The youngest girl (9) went thru a phase where she adored grandpa. I warned her to not be so "familiar" and so did grandma. Finally she backed WAY off and now my father is making her feel guilt about not hugging and kissing him anymore. She gives a quick hug when she sees him and peck on cheek. I won't allow anything more and actually don't feel comfortable with that much. Now he told her "I don't like you anymore and I don't know what your grandma told you but I'm NOT your grandpa anymore." and left, then came back later to apologize. She is now traumatized a little, lots of crying. He says (after my mom gave him what for) that he doesn't remember molesting ME! He'd already confessed years ago, now he's saying he didn't then and doesn't now remember doing those things to me. I am furious and panicking and freaking out and don't know what to do. I don't ever want to see or hear from him again. But he's my dad and I twistedly still care what happens to him. I feel mental.
almost 3 years ago
Jerry
God's Grace is sufficient for ALL. That's why Christ died on the cross.
I am a victim of my own father's & brothers' abuse. This is nothing new. It's been happening since the beginning of time. It's called SIN.(The Fall of Man)Gen 35:21-22 "It was while he was there that Reuben slept with Bilhah, his father's concubine, and someone told Israel about it." Read the entire chapter of Leviticus 18. It pretty much covers EVERYTHING. Christ died for the victim and abuser too. Of course their is NO excuse, but the cycle of abuse MUST be stopped & dealt with, otherwise the family's generation will only get worse.
God's Peace be with you!
over 3 years ago
I faced the stark reality that my former wife was a victim of incest when I discovered that her father was continuing this even during our marriage. From her own anecdotes, she had been a witness to the abuse by other members of her family since she was 3. I learned of her drug use and former prostitution, all true to form symptoms of a victim.
She continues to live with him to this day.
over 4 years ago
Interesting. I never looked into the profiles of the abusers before. I was molested by my father, seems he was a adolescent regressive, emotionally dependent type. I'm glad I avoided the victim-to abuser cycle, probably several of the reasons listed. Some intervention helped I suppose. Although I still suffer with depression 30 years after the fact. I figured he was sick in the head, he eventually got alzheimers. Anyway, I needed the info for a school project, I'm finally getting a degree. Better late than never huh? Good luck to all
12 months ago
vic
Incest is very common in the world and is hiden in most cases as the private affairs. It haas no harm but gives closeness & love in the sexual relationship so long is in grown up adult relatives and it is healthy even if it is with close blood. It should be legal so long they do not breed children. I knoe father & daughter and even mother son sexual relationship like Japan is often & hidden as private loving affairs. I heard that many real brothers & sisters are also very practising and enjoying sexual relationship in private as it is no body to interfeare or check them in the bed room that what they are doingIt is is the enjoyment and gratification of consulting adults and it is happening from the very begining of the creation of the universe. God made sex to enjoy it in proper and right way at right time and right place.
9 months ago
Anonymous
I'm not sure why I'm even writing this. This is something that I don't usually do. I am the mother of both the perpetrators and victim. This has been a hard road. Are there fully recovered perps out there? I pray so.
almost 3 years ago
mce
I am almost 34 and have never had a long-term relationship or a significant other. Its really hard to make it this far in life and be missing-out on one of the most basic human relationships possible, something that seems so easy for most everyone else.
My father molested me at the age of four, when he told me I should do it because my mother did it too. He never had many friends and insisted that I go out with him on Saturday nights throughout my high school years. College brought freedom and I estranged my father for about 10 years.
He finally passed away 2 years ago from extreme diabetes, heart attacks, and stroke. He was broke and lonely and felt as though I was the only person he could ask for help because I was the only person he ever truely loved. I felt obligated to go see him in his final days and it gave me an opportunity to see just how sick and twisted he was.
Now I want to understand WHY? Why would anyone want to do this? Especially to their own daughter? It makes no sense to me.
6 months ago
like the website, but cant recieve the cited source.
over 1 year ago
Lorraine
Hi, I'm the mother of two girls who were abused by my younger brother,I moved back into my parents home because i had left my then husband and needed somewhere to stay until i could get back on my feet. My youngest daughter was three and the elder was nine, my brother was about thirteen when we moved in and the abuse started soon after, it continued for the year or so that we were there and also went on practically every weekend, as i left my daughters there so that i could go out with friends and for this i shall never forgive myself! The abuse didn't come to my attention until a few years ago and at that time we discussed what had happened but decided not to disclose the abuse because we thought it would brake my mothers heart she was always very proud of her large family! I am the eldest of eight children. Trying to hide this became increasingly difficult as i tried to avoid contact with this person, my children didn't attend any family gatherings and were obviously suffering a great deal of emotional distress as was i. Eventually i found i could no longer keep all this to myself i was heading for a breakdown, so i rang my brother and confronted him . He reacted badly and started shouting calling me and my girls liars. All our efforts to protect my mum from this were shattered as he rang her, to tell her that we had accused him of of abuse and that it was all lies. that my kids had made it all up. My mum was upset and angry and she chose to believed her sons innocence and rang me to tell me my daughters had made it up. I thought i had managed to convince her that he was the liar but now I'm not so sure. i have given her and two other bothers that are in business with him and also were told of the alegations, the evidence we have in support of my daghters alagations but now they seem to be ganging up on me and me kids they accept that he did abuse my kids, but that he was only young and so we should get over it, not dwell on it, and move on. My mum asked us not to tell the rest of the family and i haven't yet. But things have come to a head when after writing to tell him not to turn up at a family wedding, because my girls were attending and my granddaughter was a bridesmaid and that it would be upsetting for my girls and their husbands to be confronted by him, he still turned up! My kids were shocked and upset by his bold contempt and total disregard for their feelings that they have given statements to the police. I feel i need advice on how to support my mum who is a good person but is angry and upset confused and and in turmoil, as mother i know she feels torn between supporting her son or her daughter and grand children, also should i tell the rest of my family what is going on and involve them or should i keep it to myself and what do i do if they turn on me as well, I know it is difficult for families to come to terms with incest it was difficult for me, he was my brother! But surely they can support me without turning on him, what do you think
over 1 year ago
Hi, my concern is that my boyfriend lives with his mom and she has been a single parent since my boyfriend was 2. He recently moved back in with her about 4-5 months ago. Their is a spare bedroom but is not furnished, so therefore, he sleeps in the same bed as his mom. Is this normal? Their is an older brother in the house too who has his own room. My boyfriend has also had 4-5 months to buy a bed, but has not and chooses to sleep with the mom instead of the brother...I'm 2 months pregnant and am afraid that their is incest going on in the family and that my child may be affected by this. He also fights with his mom alot. ( yelling, disrespectful) the other 2 older children do not. Maybe because he is the youngest? He is 22 by the way. The older kids are 26 and 30. Could you let me know what this all means? thanks!
about 2 years ago
christina
Someoneswifeanytown has hit a family like I was asked to provide support to one female member.
They were extremely emeshed and incestuous relationships were rife and female children were molested from early ages. To be honest this type of family, quite extended had ebded up quite comfortable with the type of homeostasis they had evolved amongst them. They preffered not to be open or make much of it. Mostly it was older boys who started activities with young girls until any older males were involved. Mostly it wasn't constant seeming ( they had their own form of limits & sanctions) rather adults allowing a a limited bit as a form of leaving their kids uncomfortable with outsiders but emeshed with them and rewarded by positive relating otherwise.The only time any complained making an issue was for some greater or threatened gains in demanding more power, support or recognition. Once that was done the complainer happily reunited with them and their kids.This network needed each other and did best finding partners of a similar ilk joining their tribe. It is sick to outsiders, but worked for them who were all doing quite well. Spouses unlike them always left.It's another world and your only sane response so your children don't tune in to the undercurrents driving such ways is to go and with them cutting all ties. Your spouse needs them and leave him to them. The fact he wants them means he is contaminating your childrens psyche, the mindset of such is more harmful than that of a former victim never wanting to see them again. You need to get very real and face your responsabilities acting on them. Models of ingrained emeshment including sex is far worse, insidious and powerful psychologically than random innapropriate sexual acts for children. Your husband is such an example. Leave or quit complaining and accept you don't care enough to do what's needed prepared to compomise your children for your own convenience.Your husband is one of them and a seriously warped form of contaminated thinkinking.
over 2 years ago
To someone's wife anytown: I'm so sorry you are going through this.
I was molested by an adult relative as a child. (To protect myself legally, because I'm giving my name and contact info. I've been advised to refer to the abuser in this way). this person (Thank you to the authors of this site, for shedding a little more light on this horrific, perplexing problem.)
When I left home, I tried talking to my siblings about it, thankfully none of them reported being molested. Still, I feared for the safety of the next generation of chidlren in our family.
Years later, a child in the family reported to her parents that this person attempted to molest her. During that attempt, this adult relative mentioned the name of another family member.
When I contacted her mother, she said her daughter told her my father molested her.
I held a family meeting and invited all my sibs and their artners/spouses to my house to talk about what was happening and what had happened to me.
It was the spouses/ significant others of my sibs and myself, who were seemed most equipped to protect the next generation. They did not have those deep dysfunctional childhood ties to my father.
That was two years ago. Since then, as a family, we live much more conscientiously with the elephant in the room. I can speak up when it's necessary, to remind family members who still choose to interact with my dad, to take precautions to protect their kids, and although it's awkward, it's not this huge, traumatic event. We can awknowledge the reality of the situation.
I'm so sorry your husband is not handling this better. You say he feels guilty. I understand that toxic, sick guilt a parent passes on to a child. My father has always withheld his approval of his children in order to control them.
It seems to me, my brothers struggle more with trying to earn my fathers love and approval than my sisters.
Do you have any in-laws or other family members you could turn to for support as you continue to do the right thing for your children?
Know that you are not alone in your struggle. Stick to your gut and your boundaries. In my experience, it's very common for family members to get foggy, confused and minimize the problem. You need to have enough healthy boundaries for you both. Remind him of the facts as you know them. Do not accept his blaming you for the reason your children are not spending time with his family.
Thank you for having the courage and moral strength to do what is healthy for your children, their children, the generation after that...
I'd like to ask anyone who is reading and writing these comments, to please help me with the grassroots movement I've begun in my state of Utah. I'm calling it Protecting the Next Generation. I'm reaching out to adult survivors to support them and ask that they have a family meeting to protect the next generation from known abusers in the family.
This is a place for everyone who has been affected by family sexual violence. Abusers who want to stop, or have stopped and want to get help and help stop abuse are welcome.
It will take ALL of us to stop sexual abuse in families.
please visit my blog: www.protectthenext.wordpress.com
If you want to share your story or leave any type of comment, it would certainly help others come forward, so that together, we can create a momentum for change.
I'm starting with Utah, perhaps you want to pick your state or community and do something similar?
over 2 years ago
someone's wife anytown
My husband is a child sexual abuse survivor. His brother who is 4 years older than he initiated this behavior. My husband's younger brother was also a victim of the same brother. There is a long line of sexual abuse incidents in my husbands family. One sister was abused by a cousin who turned around years later and abused her daughter. Another sister was abused by someone she does not feel comfortable in revealing. We know of an Uncle that is also an abuser of his own kids. When my husband and I began couples therapy, the therapist described this situation as a cesspool of dysfunction and he urged us to step away from the dynamic. My husband agreed but now is blaming the therapist and I for keeping him away from his family. I told him he was more than welcome to return to the dynamic but not with our kids in tow. My concern is not so much about them being physically harmed because I would be watching them like a hawk.(although I would not rule that possibility out) My deep concern lies in the attitude and rationalizing that enabled this criminal behavior to go on for years with so many being hurt by this. As a parent I feel our responsibility is for our children and in putting their emotional and physical well being first and foremost. I feel very sad that my husband misses that connection but he thus far has been unwilling to fill his life with positives in order to replace the deficiencies. I am angry that he blames me for wanting to do the best on behalf of our family and it is unfortunate that he can not see his priorities are out of whack. His father is old now and my husband carries great guilt that he may pass away without any further contact from him. Does anyone have any experience with a similar situation? Any thoughts and advice would be most appreciated. By the way, the therapist we were seeing told me that I needed to be strong and maintain my boundaries over this issue. I guess I am just tired of the same fight with my husband repeatedly over this issue.
over 2 years ago
I am a mothet of a 6yr old daughter... I am worried about her... I guess I have been suspicious about something going on with the way that my husband and my little girl act sometimes, for about 1 1/2 now. He gets so jumpy when my daughter is trying to play with him and I'm around. I don't know how to describe it, is just something I feel! I feel scared, worried, so suspicious... I have tried to talk to her in general terms asking her if anybody has made her feel funny, uneasy or uncomfortable... but she says no ... she doesn't want to talk about that stuff. I confronted my husband about my suspicios and he was insulted he said I was mad that he will never do anything to her... our sexual relationship is not the best to say the least...but he is an excellent husband on the entire extend of the word. Today when I was on the phone I saw he picked her up and squeeze her butt with his fingers towards the inside... I don't know if it's just me and my wicked mind... I am thinking about buying a nani camera becuase i can't keep on going with this!
over 2 years ago
I can so relate to what Posie wrote. My father was exactly the same way. I have struggled for some many years trying to understand why my father was like he was. Now he is emotionally distant from me, probably because when I was 18 I finally told him to stop. He told me he "only did what he did because he loved me." The effects of my molestation have been with me for nearly 30 years.
over 2 years ago
I have read all the comments on this page and I must say I am so proud of everyone!
I was abused by the pedophile (I call my father "the pedophile" because he doesn't deserve the term "father") from age 5 till I was 13. He was the "sexually preoccupied offender". He died of a heart attack when I was 18: he was only 37. There was some justice after all! He never once acknowledged that what he had done was wrong. When my mother finally confronted him when I was 13, he asked her, in front of me: "Would you rather I had gone to prostitutes?!". As if my mission in life had been to satisfy his sexual needs. For 20 years I avoided all contact with my family. I am 44 now, I am married, but never had children (probably for the best). I am most curious about the abuser's frame of mind, what makes them what they are, why they abuse children. I have been reading all kinds of materials on the internet and came across this website.
The pedophile has been dead for 25 years, but I'm not yet free of the abuse. Working on it though. Courage to all of you.
over 3 years ago
I am a perpatrator of an incestual crime. At the age of 13 i did something that will haunt me for the rest of my life. I've had counseling and it did do a lot to help break my ways of thinking, and my excuses. I find life hard to live, i'm indecisive, i fear getting into relationships with women because they will find out about this monstrous part of me and my freinds will reject me. I wish to tell people the truth but fear i'm not strong enough to deal with the contemt and am suicidal as it is. At the same time i hide from human contact and feel life in the most impotent of ways, where I bring myself out of despair, but can't reach a level of fullness similar to the feelings felt in a relationship or a belief in God.
What should i do end my life or go on living a lie?
over 3 years ago
my brother molested me from around the age of six til the age of ten.. im 20 now.. at that age, i never really understood what was going on.. and for a while, i thought it was gone away.. but ive awoken many times at night to find him on top of me, or touching me.. pls help me.. i dont know what to do.. and i dont know how to tell my parents..
over 3 years ago
Today my Uncle was found dead in his bed at the age of 56, due to stroke or heart attack (waiting on results), but as a result of severe alcoholism. My biological father, his brother, died from a cardiac arrest at the age of 53, the result of alcoholism and addiction.
I have known for awhile now that their problems were a result of incestuous abuse. I am still missing a few minor pieces of the puzzle, but saw MANY grooming and tell-tale signs from my grandmother over the years.
I have no association with that side of the family due to their sickness. But after todays death, its time for me to soldier-up and drop the hammer on the dirty little secret.
over 3 years ago
What do you do when you find out that your son is molesting your daughter? Iv'e read many of the comments here and he doesn't seem to fit in any of the profiles. I'm trying to understand why he did this and what I should do about it. Is he sick in the head? Will he need to be put in a hospital? I don't know what to do. I'm really sick about it. I know I need to help both my son and my daughter, but how? What is best for both of them? Can anyone offer any advice?
almost 4 years ago
please withold my name.
My youngest brother molested my youngest sister from the time she was six until she was twelve. She is now in her forties and revealed this to me, my sister and another brother several years ago. Her mental anguish over these assaults and betrayals by a family member were indiscribable. Our mother is 86 years old and has not been told which in turn leads to the confusion of why we do not allow the youngest brother to be part of family gatherings anymore. Yesterday he and his girlfriend (who does not know) arrived at a family gathering for the celebration of mom's birthday and we three confronted him (for the first time) and told him he was not welcome, because we knew what he had done. He appeared startled, defensive, confused and responded with 'that only happened once and never again'. We knew better but his response still planted doubt as to if these memories were 'false' in the youngests sisters mind. The family is in turmoil, we have had to tell a lie to protect mom from the truth, she is very angry at us for 'driving' the brother out of the fold and it just looks like it is going to get worse before it gets better. My sister has had to live with this all her life, we support her and love her unconditionally. How can this brother have removed what he did from his mind so completely?
almost 4 years ago
It is interesting to read profiles on sexual perpetrators. There is a great deal of information out there on survivors and healing, but not a lot on the perpetrators. It helps to read about perpetrators--to help understand these crimes so victims can realize that the abuser was not their fault. Fathers and step father who sexually abuse their own children--are masters at fooling their victims into believing that they were at fault. My perpetrator has convinced himself, that although he had sex with me when I was in elementary school--that this was my fault. I initiated it. I was a bad child. He did nothing wrong. He does not define what happened as "sexual abuse." He seems me as a willing accomplice. Many victims remain silent, because the perpetrators have shamed them into believing these bizarre and false denial systems. Putting the perp under the microscope, puts the blame where it belongs. We were innocent children, no matter how distorted the perp's thinking is. Now, if only the perpetrators would read up on their pathology. It's hard to suffer to so much, as a result of the abuse--knowing that the perpetrator sleeps soundly at night, not giving one wit about the wake of destruction they've left behind.
about 4 years ago
Both my husbands and sons suffered the affects of living with an incest survivor. After I forcefully complained by the age of 12, when I finally had words, I was beaten by both parents for years. I didn't act out the anger, I ran away, depressed and abused alcohol. I was always the "sick" one. My mother minimized, denied, and said I ought to get my act together and quit blaming. When I had granddaughters, the fear for them being around my father forced me to open up. My sons quit visiting them. Even after confrontation, and trusting that finally mother understood the damage she continually exposed me to, I discovered they were still denying, telling my family I had "problems" and was a liar. And my father continually made sexual remarks to me as a grown woman about my body, patting my behind etc.. This is a deal breaker. I am now 11 years sober, they are in their 80's and ill, and I'm going to confront again and tell them I can't be around them. To me, they are both abusers. They'll have to deal with their old age alone. I'm not responsible for the choices they made, and I'm not responsible for their misery now. I had the misfortune to be born to a couple of nuts, now I am FREE!
about 4 years ago
good info. i am an incest survivor and came to this site as research for a book i am currently writing. as part of my healing, it is my goal to open the eyes of the abusers and help them to empathize with feelings of the victim. victims have questions and the abusers have the answers. It is about time that they start coming forth with those answers.