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Incest - Effects On Victims

Effects on Victims

Sexually abused children report and/or display affective, cognitive, physical, and behavioral symptoms (Shaw et al. 2000). Symptoms may include general behavior problems, delinquency, anxiety, regressive behaviors, nightmares, withdrawal from normal activities, internalizing and externalizing disorders, cruelty and self-injury, post-traumatic stress disorder, poor self-esteem, and age-inappropriate sexual behavior. A review of forty-five studies indicated two common patterns of psychological response to incest (Williams and Finkelhor 1993). The first are those associated with posttraumatic stress symptomology. The second is an increase in sexualized behaviors, including sexualized play with dolls, putting objects into anuses or vaginas, excessive or public masturbation, seductive behavior, and age-inappropriate sexual knowledge and behavior.

Long-term psychological sequelae of incest include depression, anxiety, psychiatric hospitalization, drug and alcohol use, suicidality, borderline personality disorder, somatization disorder, and eroticization (Schetky 1990; Silverman, Reinherz, and Giaconia 1996). Common, too, are learning difficulties, posttraumatic stress disorder, dissociative disorders and conversion reactions, running away, prostitution, re-victimization, poor parenting, and an increased likelihood of becoming a perpetrator. The frequency and severity of psychological sequelae secondary to sexual abuse has been related to frequency and duration of the abuse, relationship to the perpetrator, use of force, type of sexual abuse, penetration, age of the victim, age difference between victim and offender, and the parental support variable (Schetky 1990). Most incest victims experience confusion about their own reactions to the incest experience. It is this betrayal of innocence and resultant confusion, along with the loss of control and power over one's own behavior, that lead to the emotional and psychological impact on the victim. Victims often experience, both at the time of the incestuous act and later as adults, a sense of shame, a feeling of powerlessness, and a loss of their childhood.

Sibling incest is often thought to be the least harmful form. Although one of the key aspects of incest is the difference in power between the perpetrator and the victim, sexual behavior between two siblings of equal power, where touching, looking, and exploring are mutual decisions, can still pose problems for the participants and/or parents. What Diana Russell (1986) calls the myth of mutuality in relation to sibling incest may put the victim in a psychologically and physically vulnerable position. In her research with adult women, she found that 78 percent of her subjects who had had childhood sexual experiences reported that their sexual behavior with brothers was abusive. When the reported sexual behavior was with a sister, 50 percent of the female subjects experienced the behavior as abusive. Approximately one-half reported sibling incest as extremely upsetting, and another one-fourth as somewhat upsetting. The degree of coercion and the emotional harm in sibling incest may be more underestimated than incest in general.

The effects of sexual abuse on children and their later development into adulthood depend on at least five important factors: the age of the child, the duration of the abuse, the type of the abuse, the manner in which the child frames the abuse, and the ability of the child to heal. It is likely that there are important gender differences in how girls and boys make sense out of incest experiences. Girls tend to view the incest experience within the larger context of the child-adult relationship and are likely to be more concerned with the perpetrator's feelings and family stability. In contrast, a boy may focus more on his own sexual experience. All children, whether male or female, attempt to make sense of or to create an explanation for the incestuous relationship as a part of the healing process.

The ability of people to heal from a damaging experience is related to their ability to confront their own feelings of fear, terror, anger, rage, confusion, helplessness, and vulnerability. A common report of adult victims of childhood incest is a clear sense of removing oneself from the event. A sense that it was being done to someone else and/or a sense of leaving the body during the sexual contact are common reports. The danger is that denial becomes the preferred or most common behavior to deal with stress. Moving beyond denial to healing requires that the incest victims allow themselves to experience the feelings of confusion, rage, and helplessness.

To manipulate the victim, most incest perpetrators foster in the child a set of behaviors that help the child maintain the denial and self-deception needed to survive an ongoing incestuous relationship. The effects of this on the victim can be manifested in multiple ways, including fear of violence, sex, intimacy, and people of the same sex as the perpetrator. Confusion of gender identity, as well as uncontrolled sexual activity, may also result. There is often a need to care for and control others, at home, school, and work. Feelings of isolation, shame, and guilt, often not associated with any specific activity, help to foster a poor self-image, which may lead to suicidal behavior. There is also a tendency for victims of incest to suffer from other disorders, such as sleep disturbances, nightmares, depression, and eating disorders. Incestuous relationships are at a minimum a contributing factor to the above effects, and for countless victims, they are the primary contributor.

Part of the process of healing is the victim's awareness of the context within which he or she made choices. Often, in treatment, victims gain a sense of empowerment when they can begin to trace the development of the incestuous relationship over time. Typically, victims can account for a gradual increase in their ability to make choices and implement them. Victims have often stated that at a certain time, they were able to stop the incest perpetrator's manipulations with the threat of breaking secrecy.


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9 days ago

Christine

Today my youger sister and I had a huge argument. Part of which I believe was due to the fact that she was sexually abused four months ago by our first cousin who is 5 years her senior. It was the third time she has been assaulted, by three different men. One a teacher, the other a boyfriend, and now our own family. I put off going to school so could take care of her and provide a safe, and new environment for us to live. But now her behavior has begun to become self destructive, and she parties for days on end, and refuses to slow down. After her binges she then has "melt downs" and the cycle only repeats itself. I know this kind of behavior is typical for victims, but im so scared for her, and I dont know how to get her to talk to someone. She has so much anger at times, im afraid im going to lose my only sister. If you have any advice, or referalls, anything is worth trying.

about 1 month ago

james

about 4 years ago i found out that my sister was molested by my uncle. he was always a weird guy but we never thought that he would go the extent of doing anything like this. my aunt whom was married to him told my mother that if he children whom were older ever found out that she would kill herself! my intier family upon the request of my sister had to keep it from her children while he continued to show up to family functions and talk and act like nothing ever happened. we all did a great job of blocking it out. last night i told my girlfriend about what happened and she then told me that when her brother was about 12 or 13 she had a relationship with him. she is 2 years younger witch at the time would have made her around 10. when i heard all of this i broke down. she won't tell me the act of witch happened with him but i need to know how to mentally deal with it. i am 26 and ahe is 3 years younger than me and has had by far more sexual partners than me. im not sure what to do. i never wanted to know what exactly happened to my sister but all of the sudden it is driving me crazy and i feel like i want to know everything about what happened to my sister and now my girlfriend. im hating life right now and i feel like im completely in the dark because something sparked in me and the truth is the only thing i am looking for but its also what i am scared of. seriously someone give me some advice if you think it can help me. im a total mess !

2 months ago

anonymous

I'm not sure what to say. I have just read through all of these and I still have no answers. I have read those who have had a similar experience as me, with their older brother who was 2 years old than them. I am a female. It began when I was in 2nd grade or so, after a few times he would kiss me during hide and go seek when i was sometime younger than 6, he told me he was "practicing", so that was the beginning of me feeling weird. And it was consensual after a while, I feel like everyone else who hasn't been abused has been touched so differently. I don't enjoy sex whatsoever, I can't say no. I am a well respected girl, friends with everyone, then in the past year in college I have slept with 14 or 15 people, half of which I couldn't name because one, it comes out so extreme when I am drinking, I feel the need to be close to anyone and for anyone to want me and two, because I think it's true about the "putting yourself outside of your body" whenever it is going on. I just now read that on this page and thought it really did explain it very well. I think the worst effect on me is that I have always masturbated but I can not masturbate without watching porn and porn that is mostly based on male domination, when males get pleasure by doing sick things to girls. I wonder sometimes if I were really in those situations if I would feel that turned on, but it's hard for me to tell. I want to get help, I really do. I feel like it's an addiction that has changed my thoughts and relationships and sometimes I feel like my worldview and perspective in general is completely twisted or just different from anyone else, like they all think a different way but I'm in this hell of feeling uncomfortable. With my family, who I haven't told because I feel like I would be betraying my brother if I said anything. I can't talk to him about it because I honestly don't want to. Lately I have felt like I need to tell some of my close friends for them to get a better idea as to what is going on with me and why I have become this person every now and then that no one would expect would do these terrible sexual things. I still find everything pretty hard and can never imagine ever being in a serious relationship. And I am very surprised that I actually wrote on this, this is the first time I have really seeked out for group help. So thank you, all of you..

2 months ago

Kerry

I just broke up with my boyfriend because I believe incest is in his family. So many things led me to believe that so I talked to a therapist who told me the chances of him having incest in his family was 100 percent. Then his sister confirmed she had asked him, my boyfriend, her own brother to have sex with her while they were in high school. She said she was suicidal and mixed up. These two both have teenage daughters that are troubled. One tried to kill herself several times. The other ran away from home, did IV meth drug abuse, ran in gangs, is violent, and is still very dysfunctional. They have other problems in their family, could it all stem from a previous pattern of incest? Like, I know they are not all doing it, but I believed there is a history of it somewhere or these things would not be happened. One daughter was sexually attacked by her stepfather and he did time for it, but was allowed to come back in the house where there are small children. How? I found my boyfriends twenty one year old daughter in our bed after I got up early. They were asleep and thought I had a big problem because they were just sleeping. I told them it wasn't right and to ask their sister. The sister said the only thing they did wrong was "be seen." see, family secrets. This same sister is the one who asked her brother to sleep with her in high school. When I tried to talk more about it and why I was breaking up with him and moving out, she said I seemed to be focusing on the incest. Duh! Did I eve have a chance to have a lsting relationship in a family like that?

3 months ago

Anonymous

Lynn, your story is heartbreaking and so very similar to my family's story. My wish is that you would try to see this through your children's eyes. The horror and humiliation of abuse lasts forever, at times it is manageable, other times it is debilitating. I am now 41 and there are still days I rage more at my mother than my father, for not protecing me. I cannot make this clearer, kids would rather live in a box, on the street, in a shelter, in a car, than suffer the pain and humiliation of abuse. I know with every fiber of my being my mother was afraid, she had no money, she made the choice to stay with my father because her life experience was beyond the decision to take another avenue. Regardless, she was my parent, her sole job on earth was to protect me and she failed. I aplore you to open the lines of communications with your daughters after you have thought long and hard about abuse through a child's eyes. Make ZERO excuses, just let them talk and be truly sorry. They don't care how you felt about this man or your circumstances, they only care that they were completely innocent children with no choices except the ones determined by you and your husband. I hope that you read up on the effects of childhood sexual abuse so that you can have a degree of some understanding of how your daughters lives have and will be affected. Do this before you speak with them. I certainly hope you have reported your husband, so very disturbing you would call this person the love of your life...a person on that pedastal would certainly never make a concious choice to reprehensively change the lives of your children with the most sadistic, self-serving, life-altering act one parent could ever do to a child. I will keep your daughters in my prayers.

4 months ago

Lynn

I'm the mother of 2 victim daughters, both now adults, by my husband. I'm torn between circumstances, because both cases are he said, she said. No charges were ever filed when he was investigated. We were extremely poor, both paychecks were necessary to pay rent on our apt, car payments, bills, & groceries. My husband never admitted he did anything, to me nor the CPS reps, nor the police. Had I the money at each time, I'd have divorced him. But I didn't, because I had no solid proof, and so I elected to stay with him, as I was deeply in love with him from day one. What are the choices when you're poor. One parent can't be there, you can't afford someone to watch them, I never got support, either from his family or mine. County and state programs were inadequate, and the advice of the counselors to whom we were sent was no better than my neighbors' and friends' advice. My only choice was: destroy our family with a divorce, the law enforcement process(which is HIGHLY traumatic to go through) and enrolling in welfare, which was very poor in Arizona; OR, stay with the man I loved whom my daughters accused, and try our best to help them cope, and watch them self-destruct that way. There is no hope for families enmeshed in incest, because the whole she-bang is geared to remove everyone from support of friends and family, from good therapy, and safe housing, if your family is poor. The only way my husband would have gotten ANY counseling AT ALL for FREE or sliding-scale, would have required charges filed, a trial, and the judge ordering psychiatric counseling. None of that occurred. But if it had, it would have driven me over the edge, CPS would have removed my children into foster homes, where it's a virtual roulette wheel of what kind of people would take them in: either good kind people who really help children in traumatic situations, or people who are in the foster program for the money. And in Arizona, it was more of the latter than the former.

4 months ago

unknown

I was 6 when the incest started my cusion was the first one to touch me it was exploration really, I didnt feel dirty or ashamed at frist. Then one day he told me to lay down in the grass while we where exploring and he jumped on top of me he was 81/2 he made me bleed so bad he told me if I told mom he'd kill my dog. So I dont know how nut my half brother got in on it too. They told me it was how I showed them I loved them for them to poke at me and prod at me down there. Then my half brother pentatrated me at the age of 7 he was 14 this abuse went on for so long. I feel so dirty I thought it was ok that I was suspose to have sex to show I cared about some one I had many partners. I still feel that if I am not having sex with my huband enough I am not showing him I love him. The abuse from my half brother hasnt ended I dont do sexual things with him anymore but we still talk I am 26 now i feel sick but I love him in a strange way. I know he is sick he has lots of mental issues, I think I forgave him, but when he gets drunk he calls and says the things he use to I hide it from my husband but it makes me feel crazy sick I have to lay down I have to shut the curtins I just lay down and try to block the memoires out. this one time they tied me down and took turns rapeing me in the vigina and anus when I cried nobody could here me they did horrible things to me. they sold me to their friends they would beat me up. They even killed my cat once when I told them I was going to tell my family so I never did. I am married now but I have never enjoyed sex I never have orgasms they ruined me for my kids who this will never happen to and my family and friends I cant hold a job I cant go out or meet new ppl cause I cant trust my self. I was also raped by a man who was just a close friend he was like a second dad to me he got me drunk and he forced him self on me. My husband is the only man who ever treated me kindly didnt try to use me for sexual favors didnt stick his hands down my pants he loves me he knows about my abuse and he is also a vitcim of abuse. I feel like I can talk to him but not about my brother I feel responsable for him even though hes older I feel I have to be there for him. My whole family treats him bad, nobody wants to be around him, I feel like he needs me to be there I feel like he wasnt an abuser more like an addict. I recently went to check on him to find a rifle to his head if I wouldnt have walked in hed have killed him self. then I felt dirty cause I wished he would have.

6 months ago

Melissa

I'm almost 30yrs of age. This has taken me years to learn how to phrase it right so that it doesnt sound some kinda way..But anyway you look at it it sounds some kind of way there is no clean cut way to describe years of incest in a family. I come from an insestuous family from the age of 4 or 5 to about right before my 13th birthday I suffered from sibbling abuse. The perpetrator my uncle who lived under the same roof as me and was 5-6yrs my senior. At 1st it may have been mutual. But as I grew older it was not and he would bribe me to get me to do what he wanted. At around 15-16 I confessed to my probation officer because by then i was drinking, dabbling in drugs, drinking heavily,running away, flaunting my goodies and had began having sex. I told my probation officer that i had been molested at 15-16 he offered me money to perform oral sex on him and show him my breasts. I found out at around 15-16yrs of age that he had also molested my younger sister as well as she backed up what i had to say about one of my 2 uncles who had been abusing me. My world fell apart because I thought I was in a way protecting her and it disgusted me that he had done this to us both. I found out just this year as he came to my home and admitted to abusing me how akward is that! and informed me that my cousin had come forth acusing him of sexual abuse and he admitted that he had abused me, my sister, my brother, and three of my male cousines. He had stoped molesting me in middle school and began molesting my younger brother at 12yrs of age that made him 19-20yrs when he was abusing my brother. He told me that he had seen a therapyst and been examined and he was not a pedophile. He said that his actions came from him being abused by his older brother for a very long period of time. His brother was 11yrs older then me and was one of the 2 that I had mentioned when confessing to being abused to my mom I remember him exposing himself to me between 6-9yrs of age and I remember always feeling uncomftoble around him when he would touch my thigh or back I felt weird. I came to find out that my abuser was also a victim of abuse. Part of me was shocked, disgusted, for what he had done to me, my sibblings, and cousins to the sickness he had introduced us to as kids. But at the same time at one time or another we all played doctor and renacting in some way shape or form the abuse and sexual activity that we were shown so who do we blame, where is the healing true the space gap between us was not as great as 6-9yrs and we had stoped most of us by 11-12yrs of age. At around 13 or 14 my cousine who is 6months my senior during a sleepover sexually abused me we were heavily drinking together and he began bribing me against my will to perform sexual favors for him. I cried after but before then it may have been consensual. That evening I was abused and felt disgusted with myself and hurt by him for doing what was done to me. I only remember bits and pieces of everything. Due to all the incest that went around in my life, in my family, all the supposed harmless kid games, the exposing, the sticking things here and there, the exxcessive masturbation, inapropriate play with friends. I have had a hard time forgiving myself, I have felt guilty. And infact I'm angry at the person who did all this to me and started the vicious cycle amongst us, he used to be my best friend we were very close from as far back as I can recal till about 12 or 13 once the sexual abuse stoped he was 18-19yrs of age and he was no longer my friend infact I recal him pulling the refridgerator off the wall with me attached to it and him yanking me by the hair. I consider myself abused by 3 men in my life and in participating in the doctor play, lets be mommy and daddy sexual reanacting games that ran rampid in my home with us being sexually uneducated yet having knowledge of sexual things, issolated and always together, not supervised. That is part of what happened to me. And i'm done and I'm sure it sounds the kinda sick way I didnt want it to sound yet it is sick so it sounds some kinda way.

8 months ago

alanna

When I was 4, my 15 year old brother molested me.I remember him and I in a shower while he was on top of me rubbing his penis against my vagina.He was just about to go inside me when my mom walked in and interrupted him. I am now 23 and just starting to remember it, I have repressed it for 19 years. I don't know if my brother has done this more than once to me. My parents knew about this and my mom was angry at my brother for years. I am now in counceling.

8 months ago

beverly

a.s. -you are right to speak abt this. get it out and start working on it, otherwise it will confine you, your whole life. it will always be there in the background. i'm in my 40's and just now shedding light on this, and i knew by now i didn't have a choice anymore, it has kept me down my whole life, always coming out when i least expect it, but primarily i lost the ability to trust anyone, especially men. i'd hate to see you not have a happy life with someone that loves you that you could truly love back. get the junk out and always remember you were a child and have no business taking any responsibility for being abused, NONE! it wasn't your fault! don't wait 20 more yrs like i did to get better, do it now

8 months ago

A.S.

When I was 7 or 8 my older brother started to molest me. he was 15 or 16 at the time. when he first asked me if he could stick his pee pee in my butt i was scared but he told me that all my friends were doing it with there brothers and it was the normal thing to do. he would make me give him head, and he would rub his pee pee on my crotch. one time he actually came in my mouth but bc i was so young he convinced me it was soap. i know i some point i thought maybe this isnt right because i was to scared to say anything and when i asked him he said that if i said anything he would tell mom what ive been doing Ive have only told one person ever about this. I told my fiance about 2 yrs ago it was the 1st time i'd ever said anything to anyone im almost 23 so since the age of 7 or 8 ive kept it inside. i dont know why im telling people this that i dont know when ive only had courage to tell 1 person. i dont honestly know how long this went on i wanna say 2 yrs but it could of been longer or shorter. all these yrs ive never thought about it like after i realized that its not something everyone does i looked at it as he was sick. but lately ive been having alot of problems with how i feel about it, i feel like its my fault, like i should of known better and i should of stopped it. I feel like im the one thats sick because i let it happen. i also feel that im sick bc sense it started till today i have dreams about it. i feel guilty for not telling my mom it was going on but at the same time i dont want to hurt her. i feel like if i opened my mouth now it wouldnt sound real c why would i bring it up now and not years ago? when i read the article alot of how i am makes sense. im very shy, i dont trust older guys like when im alone in a room with a guy i feel like he will try something i even felt like this around my own family members and my brother is the only one that has ever done anything. im pretty sure i suffer from depression at times and when i was younger i wanted to kill myself just to get away from it. i feel like its a sickness in me and now im scared to have kids. my parents got a divorce and when they did my dads sis told my mom that when she was a kid my dad did it to her then yrs later we found out that my dads mom did stuff to her brother so i feel like its hereditary and my kids will catch my sickness. my fiance has been trying to convince me that its not my fault at all that i was to young to know that it was wrong and that with him saying he would tell on me that scared me. since high school ive wanted to go into psychology, and i knew i always wanted to focus on kids and young adults, the last few yrs ive really felt as if i need to help kids that have been sexually abused but now the last few weeks all these feelings of me feeling nasty and guilty and like it was my fault i think to my self, how can i help any kid going through that if i cant even help myself, i cant help anyone when i feel the way i do about my situation..... ugh that was long, not sure why i even talked about it i just felt like i needed to share my story, guess its kinda a step forward to getting help?

9 months ago

NIgirl

Amen Lynette! Praise Jesus for setting you free....thank you for sharing that :)

9 months ago

Lynette

I just want to say that I was sexually abused by my father. It was hidden for 28 years. I found Christ 4 years ago and through God's word I found strength and encouragemnt to face my greatest fears. There is no greater encouragemnt and love then Christ which fills the emptiness in our hearts. Through Him there is forgiveness, healing, repentance, and true freedom! No it doesn't just all go away but Christ died for exactly this horrible sin which ruins many lives. Christ died to free us and them. No other can save us but Him and there is power in the cross and His blood. I prayed for each and everyone of you. Be blessed.

9 months ago

Tre

I was 'introduced' to sex at the age of 9 by my elder sister 4 years my senior. It wasn't forced, but I remember she had to coerce me into the act. I remember enjoying part of it, but I also remember not wanting to do it at all. I also remember telling her 'no' at least once or twice. I was also persuaded into sex by my older step-cousin (step-mother's niece). I was also coerced into sex by my older male step-cousin several times. This included rubbing his penis into my crack until he came. I let him do it, but I remember disliking it. I was of the age of 9, 10, 11 and 12 when all this took place. Today, at 41, I guess I could be considered a sex pervert. It's developed to the point where I watch porn every day while masturbating and fantasizing about sex with older women and family members. This totals about 4 - 5 hours of my day. (let's not forget the drugs and alcohol I consume during the entire process) I look at women as sex objects and get aroused just walking down the street looking at girls/women. I've developed a desire for being with older women. Most of my girlfriends have been at least 8 years my senior. One is 15 years older than I am. What's up with that?? It's not that I don't like younger females, I just seem to always get with older ones. I feel uncomfortable in company sometimes, always feel like i'm trying to be someone i'm not, and get the feeling that people can see who i really am so I try to avoid eye contact for much of the time. Most people consider me a to be a nice person who goes out of his way for others. (true). Others consider me to be rude and slightly perverted.(people at work). As a result, I find it difficult to keep a job and to keep the people I work with liking me. I usually get laid off, or fired for other reasons such as absenteeism, (staying home to jack off)... etc. I've pretty much accepted the fact that I'm a sexual pervert who needs sexual gratification often so I've begun to sell sex for money. It's been about 2 years or so that I've been working as an escort. I guess I enjoy it, the people I get with enjoy me, so I guess I'm doing a good thing. I'm just making lemonade as they say... (you know.. if life throws you lemons?) Obviously, there is something wrong upstairs. I've realized this a long time ago.. but unfortunately have no idea how to go about fixing it. I've tried counseling, but that's useless. To make matters worse, after disclosing what I do for part time work to my older sister (and explaining to her that it might be due to my childhood), she denies that any of what I've said is true so now we're not talking to each other as a result. So, now... I dunno. Just thought I'd share. You people reading this are the only ones who know how I live.. thanks for listening.. T.

10 months ago

lynne

My husband and I separated a year ago - we had been the 'ideal' family - happy, churchgoing, hospitable, everyone's favourite people. So everyone was shocked and the blame fell on me because my husband is the nicest person you could ever hope to meet. Many things led up to us parting - I felt from the beginning of my relationship with him at 17, that his family always came first. More and more through our marriage of 24 years, I felt like I had four children and not just the three I had given birth to. My husband depended on me to an unbearable extent - he expected me to handle all the finances, make all the family decisions, do all the organising of everything. When I spoke up, he would just avoid issues, look terribly hurt and nothing would change. He leaned on me and seemed incapable of leading. For many years he drank heavily and then gave that up overnight and got very involved in the church. He said "God would provide" and wouldn't take control. He was nice to our kids but wasn't able to really connect with them. Stuff would break in the house and he just wouldn't fix anything, it just got harder and harder. I then got involved with someone, didn't want it to happen but was so lonely. When I said I was leaving, he was terribly shocked. That's when he told me that his aunts had had sex with him for a period of over a year when he was 10 or 11 and then his mother had ordered him to have sex with her when he was 14 or 15. She called him in the next day and said he was now a "motherf****r. He was absolutely terrified that his father would find out and kill him. On some level his father did know because he beat him mercilessly for the smallest excuse. My husband said that he blocked out the memories and when they surfaced at the age of about 36, the pastor ordered him not to tell me and he complied. But in the ensuing years he had suffered from depression, low-self esteem and as a family we have all borne the weight of this without ever knowing why. So I am shattered - I sense in him a disintegration of some kind. He dismisses the abuse by his mum as being of no account, an isolated incident that happened so long ago.He has protected her all these years. The hard part for me is that we lived next door to his parents for 20 years and my children were exposed to a paedeophile every day we were there and I had no way of knowing that I should have been protecting them against their very sweet, chuchgoing grandmother who was regarded as a saint by the whole community. Incest has devastated my family but there is no sense of outrage from my husband. I just don't know what to do.

10 months ago

christina

in 2005 my 9 year old daughter came to me saying her dad molested her i was shocked believe me my daughter was around this girl who was 2 years older then her the only girl that she played with because we lived in the country she said she was raped by her cousin she lied about it for attention i found out she had alot of issues so i kept my daughter away from her a few months later she was calling talking to my daughter and then my daughter said her dad molested her and her friend the one i was keeping her away from i reported it and my daughters dad admited to doing this to both of them after3 hours of being at the police station i always believed my daughter why would she say this about her own dad if he did not do this i just have a werid feeling in the pit of my stomach about this my daughter dad is in jail for30 yearsthere was no evidence at all not thats saying nothing happened but i feel like this girl manipulated my daughter in some sick way i do not know i always will believe my daughter she really misses her dad she says stuff like he never did this and then she just acts funny and laughs about it

11 months ago

victim

aftersilence.org is a wonderful and helpful resource. you will get feedback from others with similar situations.

11 months ago

stephanie

From the age of 9 until 16 I was the victim of my grandfathers' perverted sexual desires. I can remember the first inappropriate touches, and how they graduated into horrific sexual acts. It is amazing how broken I am 17 years after the very first penetration, and how guilty and confused I feel about my role in my own recurring sexual assault. When I talk with my friends I am always anxious to hear the stories of how they lost ther virginity because I feel like I never had one. Relationships are an impossibility due to my sexual malfunctions including constant promiscuity resulting from low self esteem.

11 months ago

Craig

Hello, I am a 40 year old man who has been married to a wonderful woman for nearly 3 years, the issue of chilldhood sexual abuse has become a major problem for our marriage as of late. I was molested around the age of 10, and it seems as if my child hood memories are a blur, I see familt albums and I often find myself not remembering any of the events in most of the pictures, Its as though I am seeing pictures of another child and not me. Over the years I have suppressed my feelings and escaped by using alcohol as my means of escaping the pains. I have given up alcohol for it has led to a destruction of me and my marriage, we are seeing therapist to help us repair the damage and possibly piece the marrage back together, this is no easy task. My beautiful loving wife was also sexually abused as a young girl by her father. we have obviously coped with our past differently, I feel her pain yet I don't feel like she believes me. The trust she has for me is very gaurded, I realize that this is partly my fault and it will take time to get that trust back. There are days when we are together where everything is storybook perfect until somthing triggers a bad memmory, and it seems that all efforts go to pot. I hope and pray that we will be able to save our marriage and our sanity, and move forward in a healthy and happy life together. There is so much to work on, it seems like a lost cause somtimes, I want to let all that past go, and go forward. Can it be done?

11 months ago

anonymous

when i was a little girl i was molested several times by several different people. sometimes by men, sometimes by boys who weren't much older than myself. i grew up hating myself and pushing everyone away. now i am in my late 20's and suffer from multiple fears. when i have sexual fantasies they include my dad, how sick is that. i am actually attracted to my dad, i feel so dirty all the time and especially when i masterbate. when will it ever go away.

about 1 year ago

jess25

At the age of 6 I remember being at home with my mother and her cousin, we were in the kitchen and and my mother was reading the newspaper in the livingroom, my mothers cousin put his fingers inside of me and then my mother walked in. From the age of 6 to 15 my granfather sexually abused me and I had a flash back that he raped me in the shed. He's been dead for 6 years now and I am still f*&ked about what happed to me during those 9 years. Since I have been 16 I have been feeling the abuse all over again and that is when I lost my virginity. I am lost in my personality, I feel angry most of the time, I have low self esteem, lack of confidence, and so on. I lost my smile when I was 16. I used to be smiley until I lost my virginity and I want that smile back. I can't let go of him. He's ruined me and he will never know because he is dead. I go to his grave to talk to him, but it doesn't help. I want to be able to be me, sweet,smiley,innocent,happy , and not that person who is frustrated, and always thinking someone is out to hurt me or even feel real love. How can i let go? I've seen therapists and counselors but it doesn't help. I figured out alot about the abuse and remembered a lot but my low image is still there. I could go on and on about how I feel and how much I would just like to have an opology from him or even contront him face to face. Impossible! Anyways just thought I would share.

about 1 year ago

Keri

When I was 4 or 5, my older brother (who is just 2 1/2 years older) sexually molested me. He was only 7 or 8 at the time. I'm not sure why he did it. I told my mother about it when I was 5, because I felt ashamed. It stopped then. I don't think he ever really forced me to do it. At the time, I saw it as a sort of play, but I felt bad about it afterward. In my case, it wasn't the act itself that troubled me so much as the shame of knowing this happened and I was more or less a willing participant. It's hard to imagine him as a predator when he was so young too. I have never told anyone, but growing up I had no friends. My self confidence was so low that I didn't believe anyone wanted me and I rejected them before they could reject me. I felt I got over it when I went to college and finally had a normal romantic relationship, but even now I struggle to keep friendships, to relate to others. And even though it's hard to blame my 4 year old self for what happened, I still feel so ashamed I can't talk about it.

about 1 year ago

Victim

I've come across this site today after nearly 14 years of marriage I was able to open up a little about the incestuous abuse I suffered from the age of 9years to 14 years old by my 4 brothers. I've had to bury this secret for so long that it's affected my relationship with my husband. When my daughter admitted that when she was 9 her stepbrother molested her in her bottom, my world nearly fell apart. My husband and I nearly divorced, but instead he disowned his son as he denied it. His son was very jealous of the fact that he did not live with his dad and my daughter did. We offered our daughter counselling but she refused, she was 11 when she told us about the abuse. It's like a spiral, when will I ever be free of this. I have real trust issues, I don't know whether this is one of the symptoms of this type of abuse and I find it hard to trust men of my own race. In order to get on with my life, I've had to bury the secret deep inside my subconscious. At times I feel very tearful and unworthy of any type of love, other times I seem to lock myself in a world where there is no feeling of positiveness at all! My relationship with my husband is suffering to a point I no longer want to be with him sexually. I feel my husband won't understand as he has a very positive relationship with my brothers as it would destroy my mother, other close family members and I would feel shame and guilt all over again. In a way, I feel burying this is like control. I do see my family quite regularly, and in a way, I feel as if I'm in control as they do not know when I would break and tell everyone what they did to me! I'm afraid to get counselling or be hypnotised as I know it would come out and then I would have to deal with, in a way I do, on the otherhand, I don't. Does that make sense?

about 1 year ago

Therese

When I was 11, my cousin was staying with us. He sexually harrassed me. At the time, I didn't really know what was going on. One night he came into my room, and starting molesting me. This continued for at least 2 years until i told my housekeeper what was happening. He threatened to kill me if i told anyone. My parents kicked him out when they found out about it. Up to this day, I cannot talk about it. As a result, i'm afraid to get too close to any guy now because i do not want a repitition of my cousin so much that i'm starting to lean more to girls. I'm keeping away from relationships with guys, but i've had girlfriends. Is this okay?

about 1 year ago

44 today

Lora, be strong and show your daughter that regardless of how difficult it is for you she is worth it. Don't turn a blind eye or think that it is really not there. My own father threaten to kill my mother and then himself if I ever told. The weight of my entire family rested on my shoulders and even today, now my children's safety is threatened. My mother has become friends with my father as it is old history (and she was abused by her stepfather!). If you want a healthy relationship with your daughter stand up for her, as she may be too afraid otherwise.

about 1 year ago

Anonymous

I found out my 14 year old cousin has been sexually abused by her father for 4 years. We come from a close-knit & religious community & had a family conference yesterday. I wanted to report my uncle to the authorities, but my family & our parish priest were against this idea because they do not want my uncle to go to jail and do not want to traumatize the child. Instead they have taken her out of the house and she's staying with my aunt who is a nurse. He apparenlty has confessed his "sin" and claimed he will no longer do it again. Despite this, our family does not want her in the same house as him. Part of me still feels like we need to report this to the police & she needs to get the proper counseling which our family & church can't give to her. However, I know how the legal system is in this country...she & her brother will be sent to foster homes and might end up running away, doing drugs, or worse...kill themselves. As victims, what do you all think is the best solution. can counseling help or make it worse? is sending her dad to jail the best solution? Both children are emotionally & physically abused. Her 15 year old brother is often beaten by his dad. The girl by her physically by her mom & sexually by her dad. Also, their mother is manic depressive and b/c it's genetic, both will most likely become manic. However, hitting a child is normal in our "community" and if any of us report it then we are ostercized. Though, my family does admit the sexual abuse is wrong & needs to stop, but I don't feel that she's getting the needed help. I'm alone in my thinking, and my mom has threatened to disown me if I send her brother to jail. What's the best thing for this child? Keeping her safe in my aunt's house away from her dad, but not sending him to prison? Or reporting it & having authorities place her & her brother in foster homes with other troubled teens?

about 1 year ago

Julia

I was a vitim as well. I was only three when it started and five when I told my mother about what had been going. My abusers were my cousins. they were 13 and 14 years of age. When my mother confronted my cousins one admitted and the other denied what had been going on. I am really glad that I found a web site like this that allows me to open about my abuse. I have three sons and my oldest son was molested by his stepmother and the Law told me that it was his word against hers. They no longer see the stepmother and their father has divorced her and has remarried another woman. This new woman has a son and now I have found out that this son has molested my middle son. When will the cycle end. I am so frustrated at the system and people in the world. My children no longer see there dad and he seems to not know why. How stupid is that?

about 1 year ago

judy

I too was a victim . I and my sisters was raped by my father from infancy till teenagers . it was over 30 years ago . I struggled with it all my life, he disappeared when it all came out and was never seen again until now , some thirty years later. I would like to make him pay for what he did. he ruined three girls lives and disappeared. Law enforcement don't seem to care about him or what he did. and thats the real tragedy behind all of our individual stories. Is there no justice ?

about 1 year ago

kartaslo

My former wife was abused by her father from the age of puberty. She had knowledge of the victimization of her sister and a cousin from the age of three. Her mother knew of the abuse and assisted by protecting the family's reputation. Her father had made comments that suggest he may have been a victim of his mother's abuse. She continues to refuse to report this and lives with him, now, at the age of 37.

about 1 year ago

Mariah

When I was seven years old my brother who is two years older than me started sneaking in my room while I was sleeping at night and molesting me, this went on until I was fourteen and it progressively got weirder and weirder. I’m twenty-one now and to this day I cannot talk about it, but I think about it literally everyday of my life. He and I don’t talk about it, he started doing lots of hardcore drugs and I honestly think he forgot. I have never told my Mom, and I feel the need to tell her now, because my brother has gone crazy and needs to be committed. I’m just worried about how she will react, and I don’t want her to think it was her fault, growing up my Dad had cancer and so did she so there wasn’t really a good time to tell anyone. I think I should talk to someone about it, because even though it ended six years ago, it still eats me up inside.

about 1 year ago

skey

this is my story... When I was 16 my half brother moved in with my family. He had lived out west with his mother and we hadn't been raised together. One night I was feeling very depressed as he tried to convince me that I was raped when I was 13 (I have recently discovered that no I was not raped at all and that I had just surpressed the memories). My parents were emotionally unavailable to me so I turned to him for comfort. We engaged in a year long relationship, him using my depression and threatening me if I told anyone about this after it ended that he would kill me. It turned out that I had become adjusted to it and actually wanted to have it happen and was upset when it ended. I had fallen in love with him as he was the only person who showed me any affection and was there for me. I know this is wrong and that I am indeed a victim.

about 1 year ago

chris

when i was about 4 or 5, i was abused by my cousin who is two years older than me. I have never told anyone to this day about it, and have never discussed it with my cousin( who is also a boy)i am 15 now and am confused about what i should do, it has seriously fucked up my life to a certain extent, ie just tried to forget about it and not concentrate on it. The abuse only happened for about 2 weeks but when i look back on it it is deeply distressing. So far, because no one knows about it, my life remains normal and i have many friends and am straight. I want my life to continue normally, is there any way i can permamently forget my experience?

about 1 year ago

Sarah

I too was molested by my father and brother. After hospitalization, two weeks inpatient and two weeks outpatient at one of the best facilities in the US, I found out that I had Dissociative Identity Disorder, different personalities. After I was released, I started writing my own memoir, stopped and then my pastor said to read Andy Stanley's book,"From Within the Heart". It talked about allowing family secrets to come out before we could heal. I knew that I must continue to write the book if I was to stay better because my book will help others like myself to heal. You can see it at www.incestvictim.com. I hope all of you can get help somewhere. I was like the family that the mother knew about it and did nothing to save me. It started at the of four that I remember, maybe younger.

about 1 year ago

jaylynn

Who is the jerk who posted the inconsiderate judgement on another person's post regarding their experience with incest? You have no business posting on this site if you are only here to criticize and judge others. Some people struggle with grammar and others just have a lot of typos in their writing. We don't all edit ourselves as we type, especially when relieving our minds of thoughts wrought with emotion. Poor Ann has been turned off to reaching out for help because of some ignorant, self-righteous person!

about 1 year ago

Ann

I don't know who Janice is, but I now know for sure that I should never had tried to look for help. i had contacted RAIN but I actually would have to talk on the phone to someone and I know I can't actually say the words out loud. Obviously, I tried to get help from the wrong place.

about 1 year ago

nice try

nice try janice! It was great to see your spelling get progressively worse in your story. Can't spell worse, but can spell appreciate. Pull your scam someplace else.

about 1 year ago

Ann

I have two children and am divorced from my husband. My daughter is 11 and I am like a pitbull around everything she does. I realize now that my past is interfering with her childhood. I have NEVER told anyone this, I was sexually abused by my bothers since the age of 8 until 18. I got married and got out, I ended up getting divorced and having nowhere to go but home, and one of my brothers started this again. I am totally rely on my mom right now and I can't tell anyone. HE has his own life and family but "stops in" to check on us. My mom thinks its so nice that he's soo concerned, I just want to wake up from all this... I tried to go to Social service for help, somewhere to live, food stamps till I can get on my feet, and was denied because I live with my mom. If I didn't have my children, I would be living a completely different life. I know EVERYTHING going on in my children's lives, I don't know how my mom can't know. I can't say anything because it would totally explode my family! I am SOOOOOOOOOOOOO stuck I don't know what to do anymore. I can't even say this out loud, because then it will be real and I don't know if I would be able to breathe afterwards. I just googled something about taking to a mother regarding this matter and this site came up.

about 1 year ago

JANICE

My sisters and i were all molested by our father. We are all now in our 40's I have always felt lucky to get out when I did. But it still haunts me to this day. I feel I have lived through this most of the time. What I need most is trying to find help for my sisters. They are all half crazy. They live the trama over and over every day. I have been married for 29 yrs. Never really happy just glad I was out of there. But i have excepted my life and choose to stay. I have nevre had any kids don't really know why. Back to my sisters. They can't keep a relationship. Two of them were not able to raise their kids. One overly protected her and now that boy is a mess. They have been to doctor but all I see is they are additicted to drug now don't want to or can't live without them. They have stolen they lie. Make promise's if you help them. I have helped them giving them money trying to help them get settled in a home. It will last for a shor time. We were raised so ignorant to life. And still can't seem to function the way we should or at least relize simple thing . I get so mad at my self for beliveing in people. And i know they do too. My three sisters are now on disablity the can't cope with every day life. Two are to the point they don't want to live. My father is dead and gone now and yes i'm glad he can't hurt anyone else. I think he even hurt alot of other girls. This abuse was far worst on my sister than me. For some reason i think my father got afraid to bother me. I really didn't know this was happening to them. The older sister never said anyhting to me. Nor i her. After we got older we relized it happen to us both. But i still never thouhgt it still happen to the younger two. My mother knew this was happening all along i later found out. My older sister told her. My younger sister told her. I to this day have never really discussed this with my mom. My sisters have. Why didn't she do somthing. Now my sister are driving theirselfs crazy. Please someone help me find help fpr them and me so we can all heel. We are from a poor family and don't have money. Befor it's to late for my sister someone please help. They need a life of stability. hope and happiness. I pray to God every day. To bless my family wiht health and happiness. And lift this curese that is on my family. It's more than just our father that was abuseive, brother uncle seem like it was in any of our relitives home. On boh sides.My mother was abuses too by her father and I'm sure her brothers. She was the only girl out of 11 kids. She is a strong loveing mother but we can't understand why she done nothing. Please help me save my sisters before it is to late. Every where they have truned has always used and abuse them too. Now it hard for any one to help them beause they do lie so much. Most'ly now to get the drugs they are hooed on. Sorry this is so long and poor grammer Any help or advise would be greatly appreciated.

about 1 year ago

derek

lora, You as a mother upon discovering what you say you saw, having your child examined by proffessionals was correct. However, these professionals all said there was no signs of sexual abuse niether physicly nor phychologicly. Now you may also wish to seek a phychologist to help you cope with what you saw and also to help you to search for any repressed memories of past abuse in your life that may be causing you to see things others dont seem to correlate. Dont shame your family and destroy what you have if it is your own repressed memories or your own incestual past.

about 1 year ago

Sunshine

Ocaso - Survival is a choice...you CAN do this! I am a child abuse survivor and it took me years to overcome all the damage. With determination and the proper tools such as a great counselor, you CAN overcome this. You may save the life of another innocent child by telling his wife...who knows....she may already have seen questionable behavior in him. She most definitely has a right to know BEFORE she gets pregnant. You can come out the other side of this and have a story of healing that can help others just like you! If you don't know God, He is an amazing healer too that can teach you the difference between forgiveness and reconciliation. Your brother will never be safe to be around, but you can forgive him in your heart so that you can move on and enjoy life.

about 1 year ago

Ocaso

I'm 21 now, but I suffered sibling incest from age 8 to 13. When I told my family, they made my brother stop and I started going to counseling. However, the person who treated me minimized it and I ended up trying to commit suicide... My parents got me someone else and I saw that person for a while but then discontinued therapy, because I was just trying to please everybody and not making progress myself. Of course, I didn't tell them that. Daily, I fight thoughts of suicide and self-injury without my family knowing, and I try my best at everything to please them. My brother is now happily married, though his wife doesn't know about what happened, and I fear him having a daughter... I don't know what I'd do if he did that to her, knowing that it'd be my fault his wife couldn't defend the child... Now I'm considering going back to therapy, but I'm not sure. I mean, I want to be a survival story, but sometimes it feels like too much to survive...

about 1 year ago

Danielle

Dear Lora, no matter what-fight for your child! Talk to a pastor (attorneys just want money)and have her start counseling immediately!!! Don't worry about future threats because they will come! My little girl is 12 now. Her dad was molested for years by his best friends dad. I knew about this when we married, but I didn't understand the implications. We too did not have sex. Maybe twice in 5 yrs. We divorced, but he still sees her because he is smart. He shows her his penis in the bathroom, bribes her, and dotes all over her. It is disgusting. I live in Arkansas and here, the authorities will do NOTHING. I got her checked out when she was 8. They said that they could see where she had been abused, but couldn't do anything because she wouldn't talk. The abuse has gone on so long, that she is passive and demonstrative of a learning disability.

about 1 year ago

jen

Lora, I come from a family of tragic sexual abuse. As a mother you have to trust your instincts. If you have the money and strength and wisdom to get out of there and separate from that man, then you are blessed and doing the right thing. Try to make sure that he only visits with your daughter when there is someone else you trust around. COMMUNICATE, most of all: Teach your daughter that she can tell you when someone touches her in a sexual way or if someone makes her touch them in sexual ways. Teach her a language to communicate with you. Stay alert & open to her. Thank you for being brave to share your feelings.

about 1 year ago

lora

I am in need of anyone help that can help me. I have a daughter of age 8 years old and I notice that her, and her father have what I thought of a strange relationship,he paid too much attendition to her. MY husband and I had no sexual relationship. I wanted one but he continue to reject me. Howerver, I found him late one night jacking off" calling my 8 years old daughter name. I confront him, but he says I am crazy "he didn't " do it. I ask my daughter, if he touch her, she said no. I had her check by a doctor, but no sign that she had sex. I have report this to child protecting but they said, nothing they could do, because she wasn't touch. I have file for a divorce, but he will still have right to see her. what can, I do to protect her, from him. (also, I feel that there is a secert language that is between them, did any of you experience this. Please help me if you can. A mother need your help in the behavior of father's sick in the head. Please help me. Lora

about 1 year ago

Dawn

My father was the perpetrator. The strange thing is I blocked out most of these memories. They started to come to me after I got married. I guess the events were so traumatizing that I cannot remember the details of the worst of it. I dont understand why a father would do that to a child. I was helpless my mother had died and there he is taking advantage of his daughters? Everyone loved my father he is now dead. How strange huh? Dawn

over 2 years ago

kim

This information is quite useful. I too, was raised in a incestuous relationship with my natural father from the age of 3-15 years old. I have a 22 year old child born from this relationship. She is healthy and married w/18mo. twin daughters. I have tried to overcome my childhood and feel I am stronger than most. However I do relate to many of the above referenced longlasting effects of this. I would like to be able to find someone to share my story with and know that I am not alone. So I have searched the internet to do this and have came across this info.

over 2 years ago

sharon

thank god or whomever, for google. i took care of my brother for 6 years, six years ago and the horrifying facts of that time are just rearing it's ugly head. my family was trying so desp. to "fix" me and just wanted me to be "happier" so much so, that they wanted to send me to "THE BEST" psych hospital to find a cure. having now weaned off of a 19 year anti-depressant use and am SAFE and have been under a psych and lcsw's care, the truth comes out. any sites i can look at would be helpful. thank you......