Nagging and Complaining

Conflict typically occurs when interdependent people perceive they have incompatible goals (Frost and Wilmot 1978). Complaints are a pervasive and natural aspect of conflict. Individuals do not need to express discontent, grievance, or dissatisfaction if their goals are not being interrupted by another individual. Complaining or nagging is often the first indication that a conflict exists; complaints make the other party aware that he or she is interfering with the speaker's goals. Even when complaints do not evolve into a full-scale conflict, the slow build-up and repetitive pattern of daily complaints and nagging can have a corrosive effect on a relationship. However, whether complaining and nagging serve a relationship well or poorly depends upon how the individuals involved manage the complaint interaction.

Family members can manage their complaints six different ways (Alberts and Driscoll 1992). First, complaint recipients may choose to pass or ignore the complaint. Although conflict avoidance can negatively impact relationships in some instances, ignoring complaints that are relatively unimportant and will pass on their own may actually increase relational harmony. Second, the complainer and complaint recipient together may choose to refocus the complaint, placing responsibility for the cause of the complaint on a third party rather than upon the individuals themselves. This response allows the disagreement to be aired, but it also restores relational harmony by uniting the individuals against a common "enemy." Similarly, individuals can respond by mitigating the complaint. Again, in this instance individuals are able to voice their dissatisfaction, but ultimately are able to agree that the issue is not a weighty one that warrants sustained conflict. Fourth, participants can manage the complaint episode by validating one another's complaints and working through them to manage unsatisfactory elements of their relationship.

These four responses to complaints have the potential to downplay the complaint and to foster positive relational feelings. However, the two remaining responses to complaints are less effective at decreasing the level of conflict and may actually increase the occurrence of persistent complaining (such as nagging) and intense arguments. For example, some individuals respond to conflicts by escalating the situation; that is, they respond in a hostile fashion and expand the complaint episode by broadening the focus of the complaint. Thus, a complaint about forgetting to pick up the milk becomes a broader complaint about thoughtlessness in the entire relationship. Others are unresponsive to the complaint or the relational needs of the complainer. Although an ignoring response similarly does not address the complaint, it is done in the overall interest of the relationship. Unresponsiveness, however, shuts out both the complaint and the other person; it is a response that devalues the relationship and can easily lead to further conflict or relational distress. How a complaint is managed once it is voiced is pivotal in whether more complaints, nagging, and conflict are likely to follow or understanding and relational harmony will result.