Nagging and Complaining

People complain because their dissatisfaction reaches a critical threshold (Kowalski 1996). When they feel that they can no longer endure their dissatisfaction, people attempt to determine what they can do to reduce the discrepancy between their ideal for a situation and the reality of the situation. Verbalization of one's dissatisfaction in the form of nagging or complaining occurs when this behavior is perceived as a possible means to reduce the discrepancy. In addition, complaining can alleviate feelings of distress. For instance, it can serve a cathartic role in cleansing people of their dissatisfaction, it can help them to present themselves in a way that influences other's impressions of them, it can help people to gauge themselves in comparison to others, and it can compel others to give accounts for their behavior.

Several factors influence the likelihood that individuals will choose to nag or complain as a means of reducing their dissatisfaction. Individuals' level of social anxiety, their degree of introversion versus extroversion, and their perception of control (whether it is internal to them or external to them) all affect whether they will complain. Those who are anxious about how others view them, who are introverts, or who perceive that they have no control over a situation are less likely to feel that complaining will resolve their dissatisfaction (Kowalski 1996). Power also plays a critical role in whether or not complaining and nagging are chosen as forms of redress. Complaining is typically viewed as a low power strategy. If one has the ability to change a situation, one simply makes the change. However, if one cannot effect change, then one must attempt to persuade others to enact the change. Thus, complaining and nagging often function as attempts to persuade or cajole others into changing.

Gender also may affect the likelihood one will nag or complain. Women appear to be slightly more likely to nag, complain, and whine than men (Conway and Vartanian 2000), and this verbal behavior has been found to be more stable for women over the course of a relationship than it is for men (Gottman and Levenson 1999). However, Jess K. Alberts (1988) found that while wives complained more often than husbands, this difference was not statistically significant. If women do complain and nag more often, it may be that they feel less able to effect change themselves, or they may have more cause for dissatisfaction (Macklin 1978).

What causes dissatisfaction within families? One study of romantic couples' interactions (Alberts 1989) discovered five broad categories of complaint topics: behavior (about another's actions or lack thereof), personal characteristics (about another's personality or beliefs), performance (about how others performed an action), complaining (about another's complaint behavior), and personal appearance (about how the other looked). Although this study focused specifically on husbands and wives, these categories likely encompass most complaints within the family.

Recognizing what causes individuals to nag and complain, as well as what they nag and complain about, is important to understanding the function of nagging and complaining. However, to better understand the affect of these behaviors on relationships, it is important to examine how individuals respond to the complaint behaviors of family members.