Marital Sex

Another factor that is closely connected to sexual satisfaction in marital relationships is communication. Effective communication about sex—about expectations, preferences, attitudes, or standards—plays an important role in determining sexual satisfaction. One aspect of sexual communication that has received a great deal of attention from researchers is the initiation and refusal of sexual requests. In the traditional heterosexual "sexual script," men are expected to initiate sexual activity, whereas women are expected to then accept or refuse these sexual requests (Gagnon and Simon 1973; Reiss 1981). Although the majority of couples endorse and demonstrate this interaction pattern (Byers and Heinlein 1989), their communication style may change over the course of the relationship as each partner becomes more comfortable with less traditional roles (Brown and Auerback 1981). What is most important in determining sexual satisfaction is that partners share a sexual script and agree about the balance of sexual initiation in their relationship.

How couples actually talk about sex—the specific words or phrases they use to communicate sexual interest (or disinterest) to each other or to indicate a preference for a particular type of activity—is also associated with their level of sexual satisfaction. Many couples develop their own idiosyncratic phrases, terms, or names for sexual body parts, activities, and preferences. For example, one partner may ask the other if he or she would like to have some "afternoon delight" (as opposed to formally requesting sexual intercourse) or to "go south" (as opposed to requesting oral-genital sex). The development of a special sexual vocabulary and the use of pet names, phrases, and euphemisms may enhance a couple's feelings of satisfaction (Bell, Buerkel-Rothfuss, and Gore 1987; Cornog 1986).

Additional research has revealed that married couples are more often indirect than direct when they communicate about sex. For example, spouses tend to reveal their interest in sexual activity through the use of such indirect, nonverbal strategies as kissing, suggestive glances, and playing music rather than through the use of direct, verbal techniques (Brown and Auerback 1981; Byers and Heinlein 1989). Indirect communication may serve an important function in the relationship. Partners do not always desire sex at the same time—by making a sexual invitation somewhat ambiguous, indirect communication strategies allow a partner who is not in the mood for sex to avoid overtly rejecting the invitation and hurting the initiator.