Factors Contributing to Supportive or Antagonistic Coparenting Partnerships
Numerous studies of coparenting dynamics in two-parent families have indicated the importance of the marital partnership in supporting cohesive, respectful coparenting relations. Marital-coparenting linkages have been established both concurrently (Belsky, Crnic, and Gable 1995; McHale 1995), and longitudinally (Lewis, Cox, and Owen 1989; Lindahl, Clements, and Markman 1998; McHale and Rasmussen 1998). Data also indicate, perhaps not surprisingly, that features of parents' personalities likewise affect the developing coparental partnership (McHale and Fivaz-Depeursinge 1999). For example, personal attributes such as whether parents remain calm and unfettered, or retaliate when criticized by others, or whether they experience threat and jealousy when those they love also bond strongly with others besides them, may directly affect how they negotiate the challenges of shared parenting. Second, personal strengths or resources (such as self-restraint or flexibility) possessed by one or both parents may help to protect or buffer the coparental relationship from the potentially negative effects of marital discontent. For example, difficult though it may be, a flexible, resilient parent may consciously squelch active anger they are feeling toward the marital partner in order to support that partner's parenting ministrations, in the child's best interests.
Other motives can be important, too. Parents who grew up in families characterized by divisive coparenting relationships may be motivated to rectify this state of affairs in their new families. Unfortunately, as McHale has argued, if two parents each work fervently to create a different, better climate in their new family, but have different visions for how they would like those new and better families to function, they may unwittingly set into motion the same state of affairs in the new family as existed in the old one (Cowan and McHale 1996; McHale, Kuersten, and Lauretti 1996; McHale and Fivaz-Depeursinge 1999).
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about 1 year ago
When parents can't stay together, the reasons do not matter and are not a suitable test as to whether one is a fit parent. (Of course, I'm not talking about abusive or criminally neglectful parents... However, not wanting to spend the rest of their life with you does not make them an unfit parent in any way.) Regardless, divorce does not/should not bring about competition between the parents. If you want to look down on your ex's parenting skills, do so all you want when the kids are not around. Failing to support the child's rights to know that parent and form their own opinion about and relationship with the parent will backfire in a catastrophic way. Of course, abusive situations are different altogether, but then again, not allowing your child to love both of his/her parents IS ABUSIVE. Ask any child who has been forced to choose. Although it will sometimes break your heart or cause you to bite your own tongue in two, you must do everything within your power to support your child's ongoing, meaningful, loving and close relationship with BOTH parents. Otherwise you will be cutting off your nose to spite your face and your child will hate you for it. Also, they will need a lot of counseling to get over your horribly inappropriate interference. Remember your child's capacity to love is not finite. You will not lose by allowing them to love both parents, freely and without any guilt. THAT is what a GOOD/FIT parent does whether they are married to the other parent or not, whether the separation or divorce is their choice or not. Co-parenting is not flowery language; it is reality now that you will be jointly raising your children from separate lives of your own. Creation of a child entitles THE CHILD to a relationship with the parent-- even if they suck at being a parent. FYI- I have been a single parent and KNOW what I am talking about. Best wishes to you that you find the peace of heart necessary to do what is right for yourself and your child(ren.) I can say from personal experience it is hard but it gets easier, and it made ME happier in the end too!
about 1 year ago
as a single custodial parent who would have done ANYTHING to preserved the marriage (family), it seems to me that the concept of co-parenting is the proverbial "Band-Aid on an amputation". In my opinion (and personal experiece), when a parent decides to destroy the marriage/family, he/she also demonstrates the inability to parent. In short, if a parent places his/her needs (to be divorced) ahead of the needs of the child, how can he/she possibly be called upon to co-parent. Ditto situations involving domestic abuse, substance abuse, etc. Namely, when a parent behaves in a manner inconsistent with healthy parenting, why should we think he/she can become healthy as a co-parent? It's sad that the courts and legal practioners have crafted and drafted such apparently child-friendly language ("best interests" "well-being of the minor child", etc.); when in reality, ideas like "joint custody" and "co-parenting" seem to serve the "rights" of the parents. As if participating in the creation of a child somehow qualifies (or entitles) a person to participate in the raising (a/k/a parenting) of the child. We can use all the flowery language we like, but at the end of the day, there are very few (successful) co-parents. Again, if the marriage failed because of the shortcomings of one (or both) parent, why would we think the divorce (co-parenting relationship) would be any different (especially in terms of the child)?