Parenting Education

In contrast to behavior-modification programs, relationship-enhancement approaches place more emphasis on relationship quality and the emotional needs of the parents and their children. Such approaches teach parents to develop an accepting, supportive atmosphere for their children using such skills as active listening. Most of the humanistic, communication, and democratic parenting programs, such as those based on the works of Dreikurs (1964), Ginott (1965), and Gordon (1970), can be seen as relationship-enhancement approaches.

It is common for parents to react to their children's behavior with lectures. Relationship-enhancement approaches suggest a different reaction. Parents who use active listening skills might say things like the following: "I would like to understand how you are feeling. Will you tell me more?" "Let me see if I understand how you feel. Do you feel like . . . ?" Taking time to understand the child's feelings helps the child feel loved and helps the child deal with emotions. It also helps the parent and child work together for solutions. It is clear from research that a supportive parent-child relationship as endorsed by relationship-enhancement approaches is important for the developing child.

John Gottman (1997) has emphasized a helpful way of responding to children's emotions. Rather than responding to a child's emotions by dismissing them, disapproving of them, or being confused by them, a parent can be an emotion coach. Emotion coaching involves understanding the child, accepting the emotion, and helping them label and make sense of the emotion. Emotion coaching helps a child learn to understand and regulate his or her feelings and helps the child learn to solve problems.

Support, which is the basis of the parent-child relationship, is more than telling children that they are loved; it is behavior that helps a child feel comfortable and valued. Support might also be called acceptance, affection, love, nurturance, or warmth. One important way to help a child feel support is through efforts to understand their feelings.

Relationship-enhancement approaches have different strategies for dealing with misbehavior. For example, Ginott (1965) recommended that parents set clear limits, but also take time to understand what children feel rather than blaming or lecturing. His emphasis on compassionate understanding combined with clear limits is a reason that his books still remain popular and respected.

In some programs such as those developed by Gordon (1970), parents are trained to use I-messages in order to describe nonjudgmentally the problem behavior and its effects on the parent. The general outline for an I-message is: "When you (child behavior), I feel (statement of emotion) because (effects)." Properly used, I-messages can minimize blame and allow parent and child to identify the problem, list alternatives, choose a solution, decide on an implementation strategy, and evaluate the results.

Dreikurs (1964) suggested that parents understand the need expressed through the child's behavior and then help the child meet that need. In most relationship-enhancement approaches, control may be maintained by some combination of clear limit setting, reasoning, natural or logical consequences, and helping the child meet needs appropriately. The development of a warm, trusting relationship is expected to prevent many behavior problems. In addition, parents can improve their management of a child's behavior by being aware of what specific behaviors are developmentally appropriate or normal for that particular child.

Many programs emphasize parents' use of consequences for child misbehavior so that children learn to understand the connection between their behavior and the outcomes. An example of a natural consequence might be that children who fail to clean their bedrooms suffer messy rooms. On the other hand, a logical consequence might be that the children are not allowed to go out and play until their rooms are in order. Parents are encouraged to reduce their own power by avoiding spanking, shaming, or criticizing children. Parents can facilitate the children's self-control by allowing them to be responsible for their own actions and experience the results of their behavior. This is in contrast to the use of rewards and punishment in the behavior-management approaches that make parents the controlling agent in the child's life.

The debate continues about whether spanking has any place in the effective parent's repertoire. Murray Strauss (1994) argues that spanking is always unhelpful and unnecessary. Diana Baumrind (1996) has suggested that appropriate spanking may be used without serious consequences. She defined appropriate spanking as mild, immediate, calm, private, and combined with reasoning. She also suggests that the child must be older than eighteen months and younger than puberty.

In considering both behavior-management and relationship-enhancement approaches, it is clear that some common recommendations, such as monitoring children's behavior and providing an environment, support good behavior. Nevertheless, the language and focus of the two schools of thought are different. Behavior-management approaches emphasize parental control; relationshipenhancement approaches emphasize a caring relationship. Effective parenting programs should draw on the sensible response to problem behavior, as suggested in the former, and on the communication and relationship skills, as stressed in the latter.