Marital Sex - Sexual Frequency

It’s unfortunate to read all these stories. This is something you learn after you are married, and for most it’s too late after that. What I mean is you devote yourself to this 1 person for life. You don’t care if you don’t have sex with another person ever, and that’s ok with you, because you love your partner. Before you pop the question, you have made up your mind: waking up to him/her every morning having sex 1 or 2 times a week? I can live with that, because once a day is not realistic, but 1, 2 times fantastic! We never argue. I love my partner and my partner loves me, I know this %100, what can go wrong? Of course I'll marry my partner! Then you get the rude awakening, after you get married: 1 time a month if you’re lucky? Wait I did not sign up for this? My partner loves me! I know it! I don’t understand? What? The worst thing off all is that you love your partner so much that leaving them is not an option. Which makes it more frustrating. In the meantime you have co-workers friends that look at you and want you, but you have your hands tide. Not necessarily that you must be with them, but the irony that the person that wants you so bad is not the person that you love. For the people who are tormented and deprived of sex by your lover, please hang in there! I don’t have a lot of experience in this. I have only been doing this (being married) for 3 years and I am tired of it too! So I know what every body here is going through. If you really LOVE your partner and must be with them, I have some advice that I have not tried but I really feel it is the best thing someone can do in this situation: To wrap it up in a nutshell: be the person your partner fell in love with and found so irresistible in the first place. Remember when money was just an object, when you skipped work just to be with them, when you wrote them love letters, when you went all out on their birthday,Valentines,and Christmas? This is just a few examples but you get the idea. Don’t stop there, listen to them, don’t ignore them. If they tell you about their day, you must more than listen, be involved so you can ask questions. I can go on and on but this is just scratching the surface. Never stop this, make it part of your nature. You will need PATIENCE,PATIENCE,PATIENCE,AND MORE PATIENCE AND MORE AND MORE...Probably more than that. Only you know if this is worth the while. If all of this does not work, Please don’t yell at your partner in frustration, it’s probably not there fault. They will want you even less. At this point I would suggest to involve a third party. I would not recommend trying and resolving this on your own...You know: "Why DON'T YOU HAVE SEX WITH ME? WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU? Etc...Please seek a counselor,pastor,phychiatrist who ever you can get, that is qualified in this field. Also if you think that it is because you are bad in bed, I have news for you. Not necessarily. I figured out how to you know make my wife you know..2 or more times in one night. I also figured out how to last as long as I wanted. My wife definitely respected me more in bed after that. She did not tell me, it’s just something you know they know. Please I am not bragging I'm trying to make a point... After I figured out those almost impossible talents, the sex schedule was still the same. She had the same desire. So please don’t think that will be the answer. But it helps in some ways. Believe me I will try my own advice because I love my wife and I really believe it will be a great starting point. This is the first comment I have ever posted in my life and I am a Network Engineer. I just feel so passionate about this misunderstood, underground, subject, that I just had to write something about it. I hope this helps at least one person, because anybody that has never lived with this, has no idea what it feels like. Much respect to the people who have been struggling with this 1-? years. Peace and Love to you all.

I have been married 15 years. I married at age 25 as a virgin because I really wanted to save myself for my spouse so I could give myself completely to her. As my wife and I courted we had heated makeout sessions, but once married the sex thing never worked for her. I acknowledge that I may suck at it, but I wish I could be better and she enjoyed it. We have averaged about 6 to 10 times a year over our marriage. She knows it hurts me and I feel like I'm groveling every time I bring it up. It is very bad for my self-esteem. I wonder if an affair would help or just separate. I am in good shape, as is my wife, but physical intimacy is not her interest. I wish I had it. I need it. I'm going to go crazy...

Married for 26 years. I'm 52 and my wife 50. Every time I read something that shows frequency of sexual activities I smile as my wife and I are obviously way to the right of the curve. We have sex daily (on average) now that we are older and have more time as the kids require less attention. Never have we been less than 3x week and sometimes twice a day! It's wonderful to wake up every morning being touched by your spouse. Most of the time that leads to something and if not, makes the day so much fun as we can't wait for evening. Sometimes we can't wait that long and have to take an "afternoon nap."

It's wonderful. We never deny the other if one isn't in the mood - we just get creative. Neither of us could ever imagine not having sex at least every other day.

I'm a newly wed of about a month, with my now-husband for 4 years total. As with many of you we had sex daily when we started dating and it's decreased ever since. Now we are down to 1-2 a month. As many sites as I've seen where people post their stories, this seems to be a alarmingly common thing. I think it's a rarity when people maintain the twice-a-week average, so maybe we all just need to realize that we're not alone, this happens a lot. That at least helps me not to feel like I need to freak out about it. I love and adore my husband and he has valid reasons for having a low drive according to research I've done. I'm fortunate in that he's never turned me down, it's just emotionally draining when I have to instigate most of the time. I take care of myself and keep myself groomed which helps peek his interest. The hardest part for me is that he HATES to talk about it, which I can understand. But that's the part that puts distance between us, not the infrequency of the sex. Sex is an extremely sensitive and loaded topic that comes with a lot of baggage. The key is letting down any guard or barriers when the topic comes up and trying to really understand where the other person is coming from. My husband has too many valuable qualities that women look for in a man and rarely find for me to get caught up in what kind of sex life society dictates we should have.

My wife stopped having sex completely, 18 years ago at age 32. Not for any organic or medical reason, she simply stopped. Prior to that she had never, not once ever initiated sex and turned me down 9 times out of 10. So when she stopped all sex, it really was neither a shock nor much of a change. I don't suppose we ever had sex in the prior 12-14 years leading up age 32, outside of scheduled times to specifically conceive children, more than 40 or 50 times total. And if I look forward to the remaining 20-30 years of life I'd have to say my best prediction is zero sex.

My husband and I have only been married for a year and just recently our have slowed...why I dont know, He is not a sexually driven person, so If I only had sex when he wanted to it would be like 1 every month. i have tried initiating it but all i get everytime is a dirty look or he turns it into a game and then leaves.The only time he wants anything is if I give him oral which is like all the time but I never get ANYTHING in return not even sex. He says He wants me on top, which I do all the time but i just dont get anything from it ever I never have. I finally told him that...ANd then he called me lazy and says I never do anything and says our sex life is boring. How do I make it better if he wont let me?

Hello there, I'm 37 and have been married for 17 1/2 years,we have known each other for 21 years. We have gone through our down times. On average we have sex one or more times a week. I think it is all about making your man happy. I have only started maybe 4 times in the last year. I was raised in the old way of being a wife making coffee, breakfast, lunch, dinner, and desert most nights. I have fallen very ill and he still shows me the same respect. ANOTHER WORDS IF YOU GIVE IT YOU WILL GET IT!!!

Very Happy :)

I'm 46 and have been married for 15 years. We had sex maybe six times a year and the sex was totally average--as if she was saying, "okay do your thing and I'll just lay here." I'm good looking, thin and in shape as is my wife.

I moved out last week and have been dating a 31 year old superstar whom I love. We make love once or twice a day and the quality of sex is amazing. I was too young to unscrew my winky and out it in the dresser drawer. I had to weigh pros and cons as I have two beautiful children who are upset about break-up. In long run I want to go to my grave having found a loving and deep physical connection with someone. I did not have with wife--ever. I have it now and the feeling to be loved, caressed, and completely consumed in bed is simply AMAZING. Do not stay together for kids. Love your kids, respect your ex-spouse and LIVE!

My wife and I have been married 19 years. The first 10 years were great. The last 4 not so great. It's been going slowly downhill sexually.:( For the last three years it's been 1 a month. Recently it's become once every two months. What's next once every three, four, six months or never. I'm 39 years old not 99. If it were up to me it would be twice a day. I'm sure it's my fault too. I'm not inspiring her. I feel terrible but I quit. I give up and I'm leaving.

My husband (44) and I (39) have been together for over 16 years and continue to have sex about 10-15 times per week. We both have a high sex drives and are extremely fortunate to have found each other. We have only slept apart due to an argument or disagreement three times over the years.

A side note is that we have been swingers for the past eleven years. We are usually intimate with other couples at most about dozen times per year. Most years have only been two three times. We have been involved with nine other couples over the years and are still good friends with all (even those that we are no longer intimate with).

My husband (25 yrs) and i (24 yrs)have been married for just over 6 months, but we dated for 7 years prior to getting married. He was my first real boyfriend (and first to have sex with), and I was his. We were both teenagers when we met. While we dated we had sex (on average twice a week, sometimes more, and it was great). We both talked about and looked forward to getting married and living together thinking that our sex life and frequency of sex was going to improve. However now that we are married, and live together, our sex life has never been worse. We have sex once-twice a month (if I'm lucky) on average. I would like us to have it more often, but every time i bring it up, he gets frustrated and tells me that he is stressed and not in the mood. I tried everything, but it only happens when he wants it. He tells me that is is under a lot of stress (from work) and as a result not in the mood when i want it. I stopped asking him for it because it started to hut being rejected. I have never cheated on him, or plan to. However i need to know if this is normal for a 25 year old male to only want to have sex once - twice a month, keeping in mind that i am not a bad looking girl?? My husband used to have strong sexual desires (before we got married. I need to know if stress can reduce onse desire for sex this much??? Hope to hear from a male's point of view. I am worried what may happen later on in our marriage if the frequency keeps on going down. Thanks.

hi. I am a 29 year old female and my partner is 30. during the first year we were going out our sex life was amazing, note he was/is my first. we were active and he was passionate.. after 5 years we got married and now we only do it 1/week. I would like to have it more often and talked to him openly about it but he answered saying that it is better if we preserve it so that it stays fresh and we dont get bored of each other.. I know he loves me very much and we are great everywhere else. But, I have a hard time to actually orgasm so I end up wanting more sex and when he doesnt reciprocate I get creative on my own. I feel it is bad for the relationship and it makes me wonder if im just not desirable to him anymore... plus when i ask him to do things in the bed, which are only normal things (bite the ear or french kiss me) and he doesnt do them or just quickly get it over and done with I feel bad...

one thing to note, he smokes the pot.. do you think that affects his interest in sex?

My wife and I have had sex 7-10 times a year. One period over 16 months. I have don everything in my power to make a regular sex life happen to no avail. I am ready to bail.

My wife and I are 46. Been together 20 years, married for 18 years. Frequency is typically twice a week. My wonderful wife is willing to connect more often than that, but twice a week frequency is our compromise :) :). If it were totally up to her I think we would connect 2-3 times a month. Totally up to me 3-4 times a week. A few general comments: I go out of my way to make sure my wife feels loved and appreciated every day - not just the days we make love. This is NOT to say we have not had our challenges on occassion. We have, but we have converged on a frequency that we are both happy with.



For all the guys who posted about being very frustrated with frequency. In most cases, barring a temporary medical problem I think the following is true: If your wife knows that you are very unhappy about frequency but is only willing to make love once or twice a month, (or less than that) what that really means is that she does not like having sex with you - full stop. And because she doesn't like it, if it were up to her she wouldn't make love to you at all. If you are in that situation you need to determine whether it is your behavior or your traits. If it is your behavior - maybe the way you treat her both in bed or out of bed, is a turn off for her. You can change your behavior. If it is your traits - she is simply not attracted to you and married you for financial stability or some other reason - than you need to decide what to do. Me I would start with asking her to make a list, what could I do that would make her happier with the relationship. A week or two after that, I would have a very low key, non confrontational conversation about what I could do in bed that it make the experience more enjoyable for her. This is a difficult thing to do because she will know what you are asking and why. You need to persist in a nice way. If she will not tell you there is a pretty good chance that she simply isn't attracted to you. If it is a weight or fitness issue you have to decide your priorities. If it is not something you can control, you have to decide what to do. If it were me - and my wife wasn't attracted to me for reasons beyond my control not sure what I would do. At 46 not willing to be celibate. Love my wife. Probably find someone for a long term affair. PS - I have never cheated. Just speaking hypothetically.

My wife and I had sex 9 times last year. That is just depressing.

My wife and I have been married for 15 years and have NEVER had a super active sex life. As 20-something newly weds we had sex maybe 1 or 2 times a month. Now, 15 years later, we have sex may 1 or 2 times a year - and its decreasing. Hard to say really why it is like that, but she just does not like sex and sees it as a burden. I have never cheated or really looked to cheat, but I have to say its hard (no pun intended). Any way, 1 or 2 times is the way it is.

My partner and I have been together 15 years and we still love each other. We had sex every night when we first met but have not had intercourse for 10 years. I masturbate alone. She has had a hysterectomy, suffers from high blood pressure and is on anti-depressants. Reading the above I realise all of these things are factors. A while back we tried to get help but got the run around by the public health system with different doctors wanting to send us for counselling. I believe this is a chemical issue not a psychological one.

I am 41 and my wife is 37. We like to have sex every day...sometimes 2 and 3 times/day. I have started noticing that after several days in-a-row of this, I have a hard time (no pun intended) getting an erection. Is this normal? If we wait a day or two in between, then I can get a full erection no problem. Any thoughts on what I can do? Is Cialis my only hope?

I'm female (30s) in a relationship with a guy who I find attractive in every way everyday.. unfortunately he hates the fatigue and sluggishness that occurs after sex and avoids it like the plague. Makes me sad and feel undesirable and guilty when we do, but I know he loves me deeply. We have sex 2-6 times a month, is that normal? It's nice to read about those older couples who say they have sex frequently with their partner.. and the other couples who don't, I don't feel so alone and unusual.

This all comes down to what a couple is happy with. Some are content with a few times a year, others a few times a week. Unfortunately people change come marriage, kids, jobs, stress, etc. Really hard when one wants it more than the other. I'm a mid-thirties type guy in great shape married more than ten years and my wife would probably be happy with no intimacy from me. Once a month is average. Still love her and am committed but it is challenging. A little discouraging when other women check me out or flirt but marriage is a life long thing so anything else is out of the question.

Hi, I am 40 and my husband is 36. We have been married for 13 years and have a 4 yr old. Sex has been dwindling for years. It is my fault because I rarely feel sexy or horny. My husband thinks about sex all the time and has tried to iniciate it many times. We have talked openly about it and do not know haow to resolve the issue - we both love each other very much and want to stay together but I'm not sure how much longer things can go on the way they have been.

I am 33 years old and have been with my 28 year old partner for the past 8 years. recently we have cohabited. we have sex about 1 or 2 times a month, its not much, but when it happens its great. I know its not a competition, but when i do, i just remember that we are kicking most married octogenarian's asses with our phenomenal rate... well the ones that are still alive, that is...

I am 47 and my wife 45, I am still extremely attracted to her after 22 years of marriage and 30 years of our relationship.. However, to her sex is just not important enough to expend energy on, we may have sex 2x/month, and then it's only a "quickie" most of the time... We have three children and are exhausted at the end of the days, but I'm still ready, and she will say she wants to but then she will nearly always find "something else" to do or that's more important...



Sign me Frustrated in Texas...

Sex is essential for any relationship, of any kind. Without it, the marriage or relationship will fail.

To those who say, " all you want is SEX ", Wake-Up,and smell the coffee! Or better yet, try making Coffee, without water, or try driving a car with Oil, or try eating a Burrito without the Tortilla, or painting your house with a Brush??

You catch my drift?? It just doesn't work out at all.

So if your getting the 50 excuses, you can bet there is a problem, and the problem will only get worse. It is extremely unhealthy to stay in a relationship that will not produce the basic sustanice of life sustaining fulfilment.

No sex, no deal!

I have read the above reseasrch paper and testimony of couples from the comments. But Is there any recommended frequency for married couples? What are the advantages and disadvantages of having intercourse frequently? Some people say that it is tiresome to have sex frequently. If so what is the optimal number, say, in a week? Thank very much.

We must be two of the luckiest people there are. My darling and I are both 60 and we've been married 37 yrs. We have sex, on average, no fewer than twenty times weekly. Not an hour passes when we do not speak our love and our emotional need for each other. Often, I see notes about husbands or wives who will not or cannot show thir love. Im always flabbergasted. Few things are more important-- to MEN as well as women.

My husband and I have been together for 14 yrs. I am 38 and he is 43. For some reason, we are exhausted by the end of the day and during the day, it's difficult to have sex because we have a 5 yr. old daughter. We have sex an average of 2x's/week. This isn't quick sex. My husband complains everyday and I tell him that I need more affection during the day to feel intimate with him but he just doesn't know how. In all our years together,he has complimented me a handfull of times. I am not looking for compliments but it would help our sex life. If he showed me his appreciation and love during the day, it would make all the difference in the world to me. I compliment him and I am the one who initiates 90% of the time. He says that he tried initiating, which was for about a week when I was sick years ago. Since I didn't respond and really get into it, is the reason for not initiating anymore. I feel like we're never going to get connected again. Any ideas on what to do?

Im a 34 year old married man, who always enjoyed regular sexual activity before I met my wife.

I enjoyed everything about sex.

I am now lucky if I have sex once every three months. I feel empty and unfulfilled and I have been married for 5 years. I love my wife very much but now find my self beginning resent her. I train at the gym 6 times a week and have even gone to the extremes of taking steroids to achieve a 'perfect' body as I thought it might be me that was becoming unattractive. I still feel my wife is very sexy and attractive and have told her so every day since we have been married.

How about a woman's point of view? I am 33 & husband is 36, we've been married almost 10 years. We have sex an average of 4x/wk, depending on illness and the level of exhaustion from the kids, which we have 2 of, one of which is special needs. I agree that some of this frequency is due to chemistry but I would also suggest that the way my husband treats me makes me desire him sexually. He truly cherishes me, offering massages at least twice a week, bringing me a glass of tea or juice when I'm getting ready for bed. He compliments me and tells me how beautiful I am everyday! He loves me, and since I feel loved, I feel more sexual toward him. (and Sean, we BOTH go without when he is deployed, and we try very hard to be open and connect emotionally so we aren't as sexually frustrated)

I am a 28 year old female ( canadian). I am single, but when i am in a realtionship i would like to have sex every day. Its awesome and i love the physical and emotional connection. I have been told this is rare, that most couples do it about 2x a week. This is unthinkable to me......I hope to be married to a man one day that is just as passionate about this important intimate expression. Help! Is my idea of love impossible?

I am a 53 year old male, my partner is 59. We have sex every night, sometimes in the morning and sometimes in the afternoon. I put this down to as having the right chemistry.

it must be nice, i go so long without it that when i do get it it isnt very long, i average about 20-30 times a year when im home and 0 a year when im in iraq, this is from a guy who use to get it everyday, the thought of cheating on her runs throughout my mind about 4 times an hour

I am over 40 year old... I can have sex at least 4-5 times/per week. If my spouse can keep up with me; then I could have sex everyday!!! Eventhough, I do not have enough sleep, I still keep up with my sex routine just fine... My sex routine has been going on for couple of years already and continue to present. Now, my question! is it too much sex/per week??? I would like to have any your comment?



Thanks.